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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
SHELBY, MONTANA-- Local high school students have confirmed Oscar Wilde's hypothesis that "alcohol, when consumed in sufficient quantities, provides the same effects of drunkenness."
"We used several test groups at the rock pit on Friday and Saturday nights," said John. "Each group consumed nothing but beer and cheap-ass Alberta whiskey. We even had a control group made up from the high school badminton team. They thought they were drinking vodka, but really it was only water." The groups that drank alcoholic beverages consistently behaved as if they were drunk. "The badminton team tried to make a show of it, but when I grabbed Anita's ass she hit me in the face. She didn't do that last summer when I got her hopped up on a mixture of rye, peppermint Schnapps, and Pabst Blue Ribbon. I think that proves they weren't really drunk," stated John. Other members of the research team agreed with John's analysis. "If I drink, like, five beers, I act just like my dad!" said 17-year old Eric Flemm, obviously excited by this discovery. "Except I don't try to hit my mom." The group
plans to continue their research this weekend behind Shelby Middle School's
lower field.
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"We've
been conducting independent research into this subject for over a year
now," confirmed 18-year-old John Simpson, a senior at Shelby High School.
