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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HOCKEY HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
OTTAWA, CANADA-- The Canadian government has created twenty-two clones of Wayne Gretsky in an attempt to reassert Canada's position as the number-one country for hockey in the world.
Despite a public anti-cloning stance, Canadian researchers have been secretly working on the human cloning project since at least 1998 using DNA taken from Canadian hockey legend Wayne Gretzky. Gretzky, who will serve as the Canadian Olympic Hockey General Manager for the 2002 Olympic games, responded to the news by saying that he had "suspicions" over the past few years. "I guess it all started to get weird after the 1998 games in Nagano [Japan]," said Gretzky, known world-wide as 'The Great One'. "When the games ended, we were really down. But Bob Nicholson (head of Hockey Canada) told us not to worry. He said that in 2022 'nobody will be able to beat Team Gretzky--I mean Team Canada'. At the time, I thought he made a mistake, but I see now that this plan has been in place for some time." It is estimated that the Canadian government has drawn blood samples from Gretzky at least twelve times since he was named GM of the 2002 Olympic team. Stated Gretzky: "I know that the IOC [International Olympic Committee] has strict drug enhancement guidelines, and it's good policy to test your athletes before the games, but I wasn't even playing! I couldn't figure out why they wanted me to come back every couple of weeks for more of these blood tests." There have been other occasions that Gretzky had reason to suspect foul-play. "There was this one stylist's assistant, wearing what appeared to be a lab coat, or so I thought," remembered Gretzky. "He kept putting my hair into plastic sandwich bags. At the time I just thought he was another adoring fan." It is believed that those blood and hair samples were used to create the clones located in a secret Ottawa lab. Officials in Ottawa had no official comment on the discovery of the human cloning project, but one researcher said (on the condition of anonymity) that "it's time to take back what is rightfully ours. We will have revenge for the debacle of the 1996 World Cup of Hockey. The Americans have no right to beat us at our own game." When told
about the twenty-two clones, Gretzky was pensive. "I'm not very good
in goal," he said.
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| This fictional story about Wayne Gretzky is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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