| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
 Advice from Helena Aunde-Bague
Summer is close, and
it will be time to go near the ocean, and bathe beneath the wonderful
sun. But you must be thoughtful of the other beautiful people there of
course.
When you see I am
at the beach, I am always lying with my big blanket and fancy umbrella,
mostly to keep the sun from my perfect face. I like to watch the young
men throw their frisbees, and slap their volleyballs in the net.
But, please you better
not kick sand on my tanning body.
You see, the sun for
me is like an artist who paints a beautiful canvas, my body of course.
But if your sand gets on the paint, the canvas can be ruined. Also, you
will mess up my pina colada.
Of course you will
not see me at the public beaches, unless it is on my beautiful Riviera,
c'est tres bon. Because I don't want to see your kids with their pails
and their pathetic little beach castles. Please take them to the waterpark
or put them in a shelter.
For me, I also prefer
to bathe in the sun along the coast of Rio, or perhaps the warm sands
of Antigua. Your kids will not bother me there.
But for you
I say, do not take your suit off unless you are a portrait to be painted.
Nothing empties the beach faster than somethings that look washed upon
the shore.
Helena's Archive
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