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by Shirley Eugeste

I can NOT believe that I was talked into seeing Atlantis, when I could have been at Debrah's pool party, but meh on that, I have to like pay the bills.

So, okay, I'm thinking Disney's Atlantis: The Lost Empire is going to be all cute porpoises, singing mermaids and some kind of underwater ballet finale, right? No oh!

It's all like Captain Nemo meets the Dark Crystal.

So it starts out with this dorkworm whose grand-dork was looking for the underwater kingdom, and didn't, and this other old geezer who's like all "here's a rust-bucket submarine and a crew" and "go find it already". So they're underwater like ten minutes later being chased by giant metal crabs, ewww, and it's totally Phantom Menace all over again.

But then they ditch the crab, and dorky tells them Atlantis is like some drain-clog, and that's why they can breath air at the bottom of the Ocean. Okay, whatever. I'm already into my Kit Kat bar by this time anyway, so don't get between me and my chocolate.

So, then, blah blah caves and caverns, and after blowing stuff up, there they are in Atlantis, which looks more like a Vegas casino. They meet the king of Atlantis, who is like way old, and sounds like Mr. Spock. He's all giving his "the needs of the many" speech, and his daughter, who is supposed to be 2,000 years old, but acts like Brooke Shields from Blue Lagoon, gets all fish-eyed over the dorky explorer. Yah.

It turns out that no one in Atlantis can read or write either. So we're all impressed now with this advanced civilization stuff. Fortunately Milo can read stuff and goes swimming with the princess to either go make out the hieroglyphics, or just go make out.

But while they're fooling around, all the other explores turn baddie, and go after some glowing crap which is supposed to keep them all alive, but they're going to sell and it all open up stores. I know, I got lost there too.

But Michael J. Fox, who is the voice of the dork, learns to jumpstart these fish-hovercrafts. He guilt-trips all the other humans, and they all try to get the princess back, who by the way has gotten herself captured and she's all glowing and stuff.

There's another Star Wars battle, the bad guys get killed I think, and the princess gets rescued, just in time to keep Atlantis from getting deep-fried in lava. She raises these iron giant dudes, who save the city with a giant bubble. Then everyone scores a ton of gold, except dorky, who wants to stay behind and exchange horizontal cultures with the princess.

But, excuse me, am I the only one who wonders why the princess doesn't have a husband or a boyfriend after being underwater for 2,000 years? And is Spock going to be back in the next Atlantis movie? And what kept all the fish from pouring off the ledge, and having everyone starve? I seriously doubt there's going to be a major plush-toy campaign on this one.

shirley@thetoque.net