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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
FISHERMAN'S WHARF-- Salty, a local seagull and regular visitor to Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco, is fed up with all the crap.
He's mad about the growing mass of bird-droppings left behind by his fellow seagulls, shit that cover the pilings like icing on a birthday cake. "I've been loitering around this pier for years, and this is the worst I've seen it," said Salty. "They really need to clean up this shit." It wasn't so long ago when gulls like Salty would be able to perch on relatively clean pilings, gobbling down herring, or perhaps picking at a tasty piece of carrion that was floating dead near the shore. "Those were the days. I didn't have to peck the crap out of my feet back then," said Salty. "There was no pier pressure. And there weren't any crows." Salty places some blame on the growing number of tourists to Fisherman's Wharf, which has brought more gulls. But he can't deny that they also introduced him to french fries and cheese popcorn. So it almost evens out for the sea-loving bird. "But why the hell can't they just poop in the ocean," asked Salty. "Frickin' birds. At least the humans have public toilets. I'm sure those crappers are clean." Salty attributes some of his negative feelings to the loss of his mate, Shelly, who died from an Alka-Seltzer tablet accident two summers ago. "Shelly was the wind beneath my wings," said Salty quietly. "But you know it's bad enough that I have to spend my afternoons hovering for snacks," said Salty. "Just see how proud you'd look standing in gooey white shit all day long." Salty also thinks that his species gets a bad rap. "Well, there is the regurgitation. There's nothing I can do about that," said Salty. "At least we're not as bad as those frickin' pigeons." The wharf has no plans to clean the pilings, stating that the seagulls had made their beds (nests), and had to sleep (roost) in them. "I might
just move to the landfill," said Salty.
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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