The Toque -- Satire That Pulls The Wool Out From Over Your Eyes

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TUESDAY, JULY 10TH, 2001 | LAST WEEK

Issue 12 | Volume 4

Improv Comic's Stolen Auto Nothing To Laugh About

NEW YORK-- Crime is a serious business. But Reggie Barnes' complaint about having his car stolen (from outside the Comedy Cellar last Friday) was met with chuckles instead of concern, as local police listened with interest and amusement to the comedian's tale of auto theft.

Barnes, the 29-year-old improvisional artist known for his zany "on the fly" comedy style, tried to convince police that he wasn't "making it up". Despite pleading, NYPD Officer Shane O'Reilly was nonetheless impressed with Barnes' story about his missing '88 Tempo and the collection of Ace Of Base cds he had in the glove-box. "That Barnes can sure spin a yarn," said O'Reilly. "The way he tells it, you almost believe it could really happen to someone."

Barnes is asking the public for any assistance they may provide in locating the vehicle, or if they could give him a ride to Buffalo, where he will be appearing at The Funny Bone, July 12th to 16th.

Recognition Awards Committee Organizer Gets No Recognition For Work On Awards Banquet

LOS ANGELES-- Phyllis Watson spent three-and-a-half weeks organizing the awards banquet for Nextel's California sales division. The quarterly event recognizes success and achievements in wireless sales. Phyllis had to spellcheck 65 names for the corporate awards, print and send out 250 invitations, book the conference hall, hire caterers, as well as a hundred other minor preparations. Phyllis, who logged more than 150 hours preparing the awards event, received no recognition whatsoever from the company that awarded sales representative Bert Entwistle with "Best Smile".

Age-Old Question Answered

According to a recent report published in American Psychologist, there is no "right" answer to the question: "Does this make me look fat?" Prof. Elie Fowler's conclusions suggest that the question is best left unanswered.

The Toque is published every Tuesday.

The Toque is NOT associated or affiliated with any other publication or vegetable. All of our stories are original and written by our own staff.

The Toque Writes Obligatory Emmanuel Lewis Story

HOLLYWOOD-- Emmanuel Lewis is entering the world of adult entertainment. The 30-year-old actor will be featured in the upcoming XXX film, Emmanuel: Webster's Definition For Lust. In the film, Lewis will play "Peter Longsteer", a pint-sized Texas oil baron with an insatiable passion for power and women.

Emmanuel Lewis with appropriately cheesy "pornostache".

The diminutive thespian is excited about the opportunity. He hopes it will "lay" the groundwork for other "vertically challenged" performers and former child actors wishing to make their way into the billion dollar pornography industry. "I think it's swell," stated Lewis recently on the Howard Stern Radio Show. "It's no small chore moving from the small screen--you know those cameras add ten pounds."

Added Lewis: "People may look down at me, but I'm sure I'll be able to rise to the challenge. If it goes well, people will focus on my genitalia and not on my height."

The film, to be released August 3rd, should be available in adult video stores everywhere. The premiere is set for August 2nd at the Sunset Peek-A-Booth in Hollywood. His next adult movie is tentatively titled "Diff'rent Strokes, Diff'rent Folks."