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by Shirley Eugeste

Computers are amazing. What can I say?

If computers can make Alec Baldwin look twenty-five again, I'm going to go out and buy an I-Mac for my boudoir. I mean eww, he's really forty-five, but in Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, he's all Ben Afflecked up, and looking hot to space-trot.

I must have really been confused. I thought this film was about Mr. Rourke and the island. I knew Tattoo was dead, but I heard they were using computer generation to bring him back. Okay, so that's the last time I use Tina's little brother for fact-checking.

The movie is about Dr. Aki Ross, who is this ultra-smart botano-babe who is supposed to save the world, even though I couldn't see what was left to save. I was slightly jealous of her obviously computer-enhanced bio-bod. I am sure that the girl who was really playing her did not look THAT good in a jump-suit.

And oh there was this really bad man! He sounded like James Woods, only I'm pretty sure he's old too, and has lost most of his hair. And he's always snarling. But this James Woods looked more like Rob Lowe in a Nazi suit. He wanted to blow a lot of stuff up. I must have missed something. Everyone else wanted to capture plants or eagles or something. They talked too fast.

The rest of the movie was basically Poltergeist in space. I mean, except for the little girl in the television. Okay, maybe more like Ghostbusters, but without the cute giant marshmallow ghosts. Anyways, it was too spacey for me, and oh my god, I can't get Steve Buscemi's voice out of my head! Didn't he die in Armageddon?!

I knew I shouldn't have let Chad talk me into seeing this. I wanted to see Legally Blonde, a truly marvelous movie about a fashion diva who becomes a trial lawyer. At least that is believable!

Shirley's Archive