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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR EVOLUTIONARY HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA-- The city of Darwin is no more. The northern Australian city sank into the sea through the inexorable laws of natural selection. There were no survivors.
The calamity was seen as "inevitable" by the neighbouring cities of Rum Jungle and Pine Creek. "The area around it was changing and it just couldn't adapt," said Mr. Ernest Wortle, mayor of Rum Jungle. "Its suburbs were just unable to find suitable niches and it couldn't survive into adulthood." Mr. Wortle estimates that only 35% of the latest construction, Shady Mountain Pines, was sold. "You can't sell a house in a neighbourhood with a name like Shady Mountain Pines," confirmed Mr. Jack Spring, who owns a crocodile ranch 35 miles to the east of where Darwin used to be. "The whole area's a bog. Who were they kidding? They deserved what they got, and more." Young families and retirees are flocking to other cities like Pine Creek. "We were looking at Darwin as a place for our family," said Mrs. Annie Rotunda, mother of two. "I had an uncle who lived there, and I remember spending summers there as a kid. But now I want more than airfields and dusty streets. It just didn't have what we were were looking for." Scientists are undecided as to whether the extinction of Darwin typifies evolutionary adaptive radiation or punctuated equilibrium. In adaptive radiation, different populations will gradually adapt to different ecological niches. Darwin's demise would be seen as the failure of the city to make incremental changes in zoning laws, or find ways to invite "big-box" retailers like Wal-Mart into city limits. If the punctuated equilibrium model is followed, Darwin would have stayed the same for many years and then, because of environmental reasons, would rapidly evolve into something new to better suit its new surroundings. Its failure to do so means it is now extinct. "I think we have to blame the airfield," said Mr. James Underweed, an evolutionary scientist at the University of Cranberry. "Darwin reached its height with the 1930 solo flight of young Amy Johnson from England to Darwin in 19 days. It then became an important base for the Australian air force, but was unable to compete with neighbouring cities for industry, commerce, and giant movie theatres." "Sinking into the ocean had a decidedly negative impact," continued Mr. Underweed. "It's a perfect example of nature selecting the best adapted cities to survive and to reproduce. If only they had diversified into whale-watching or some other coastal city activity." Evangelical Christians in the area reject the idea that it was natural selection that made Darwin extinct. "People
forget that this is only a theory," said Mrs. Edna Fiddle. "There
is no proof. The Bible is the only Truth, and it clearly states that Man
was created by God. Cities like Darwin were created specially by God at
the dawn of creation. They have not changed since then, except, perhaps,
in small details. Darwin sinking into the sea is an act of God. He didn't
like the casinos."
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