CANADA'S SOURCE FOR QUAKE DEATHMATCH HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE

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You Were Lucky This Time, My Deathmatching Friend

BELLEVUE, WA-- You may gloat now if you wish, but your deathmatch victory was cheaply won, and you will not fair so well in a rematch. If the playing field had been level, you most surely would have lost.

I'm ready for that deathmatch rematch.

You see, I was disadvantaged from the start, with my 38 ping to your 30 ping. It is quite obvious to me that had those pings been reversed, you would have tasted the sweet load from my shotgun far more often than you did. Those 8 precious milliseconds were all you needed to evade my blasts.

And were it not for my inferior hardware, I would have squeezed those extra frames into victory. I would have had to be more than human to battle you with my mere 85 frames per second. It is truly sad that you would cheer, knowing that I was handicapped from the beginning.

Had I not been playing with a dirty mouseball on a worn-out mousepad, my twitch-like responses would have been more than enough to rail you mid-air. But alas, that and my coffee-soaked keyboard may have affected my play.

It seems barely worth mentioning that I had not even played that map before. It would be beneath me to say that I had barely gotten in my four hours practice time beforehand.

There were times during the match that I wished I didn't have two copies of Photoshop running in the background, and that I wasn't downloading MP3s from that private archive. And if my roommate hadn't been leeching ISOs off of my hard drive through the local network at the same time, I'm sure the outcome of our battle would have been much different.

But I think the turning point may have occurred either when that ICQ message popped me out of the gaming window, or when I spilled my can of 5-Alive. Had I been drinking cola like I should have, I'm sure we wouldn't even be having this discussion.

And there was that moment when I accidentally knocked out my monitor cable from my machine. Those few seconds certainly cost me a frag. But that pales in comparison to the instant I hit my Windows key just when I had you in my crosshairs.

I know it was my own fault answering that telephone call from my girlfriend mid-match. I had to get up anyways to let my dog outside for a pee. But none of that would have mattered had my chair wheel not gotten caught in that rut in the carpet.

So you see, it is apparent to me that your win was not entirely based on your skill. It is quite clear that you were lucky.

But I must take at least some blame. I really shouldn't have rebinded all my keys when I noticed I was using my CTF config, and I'm sure I didn't help my own cause by readjusting my mouse sensitivity while you were gathering weapons.

So I think it is only fair to both of us that we replay that match on my server. Good luck.

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