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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR POLITICAL HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
VANCOUVER, BC-- The cactus trade is thriving in British Columbia--the province being dubbed New Mexico North by some--and the government is unsure how, or even if, they should stop it.
Cactus grow-ops are sprouting up all over the province, and while many claim that the underground industry poses no threat, others believe that it is another step in B.C.'s descent into depravity. Conservatives claim that there is absolutely no medicinal value whatsoever in cactii, unless you consider the therapeutic value of having a nice plant that doesn't require much attention. Liberal British Columbians do not see any harm in cactus plants, other than an occasional thorny sting. "Why don't they just legalize cactus plants man," asked Jerry Kim, an unemployed motorcycle mechanic and supporter of the cactus trade. "I'm sure it's not any worse than marijuana." Jerry's attitude is shared by several groups lobbying to get cactus plants out of the basements and into the greenhouses. The authorities seem to be taking a soft stance to cactus-growing laws in B.C. "What can be legal and legislated, can be controlled and enforced," said Vancouver police spokesperson Anne Drennan. "If cactus-selling was a legitimate industry, we wouldn't have to worry as much about the criminal element." So far this year, only two cactus grow operations were shut-down in aptly named "stings". Several hundred budding cactii were destroyed, despite the "aw"s of several witnesses. While Vancouver police contend that the majority of cactus grow-ops are now controlled by organized crime, much of the province's cactus industry is grown by independents. Last month, $15 million dollars worth of heat lamps and sand were sold to small business and individuals. Much of that was used to build illegal cactus farms--mostly in the basements and garages of rented houses. It may be that the demand is determining the province's policy. But Washington state doesn't share the same rosy attitude as their Canadian neighbours. Washington officials fear what the cactus spillover will bring into the evergreen state. "We will confiscate any cactus materials brought into the United States," said U.S. Customs Agent Phil Samuel. "We have a zero tolerance policy on this issue. It shouldn't even be an issue, considering British Columbia is a coastal temperate rain forest. Cactii shouldn't even be able to grow in that type of karst ecosystem." Until the
day that legislation settles this bristly issue, British Columbians will
have to be wary of the pricks.
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