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By Grouchy Joe, Proud American

What the heck is going on with coffee these days?

I went down to Sid's Coffee Shop on Main St. yesterday to discover that it had gone out of business and been replaced by one of those fancy-schmancy coffee chains! When Sid's was open, I could walk right in and Sid himself would pour me a cup right out of the pot. He made coffee for more than thirty years and he knew how to do it.

These new yuppie coffee shops don't have a clue!

I wandered in and asked for a cup of "joe" and the young girl behind the counter just stared at me blankly. "What, do you got potatoes in your ears? I'll have a cup of coffee!" The idjit then looked all flustered and nervous and asked me how I'd like my coffee. She must have been the boss' daughter or something.

"How do I want my coffee? How do you think I want my coffee!?! In a cup!"

Well, it must have been this girl's first day, because she started stammering about French coffee, Colombian coffee, Italian coffee, Sumatran coffee, Ethiopian coffee, and coffee from a bunch of other places. She might have asked me if I wanted coffee from Timbuktu for all I know.

I just stared at her for a few seconds and said: "You're starting to make me mad!"

She started shaking and said "Excuse me, sir?" like she had no idea why I was upset. I'm telling you, this girl was a Grade-A idjit!

"Where's the American coffee!?! I want some coffee from the good ol' U.S. of A!"

By then the girl was shaking so much I thought she was going to burst into tears. She said that there wasn't any American coffee. She went on to say something about the climate, but I wasn't going to take any of that. I just looked at her and yelled, "Well there goddamn should be!" and stormed out.

I left the coffee shop so mad that I felt like heading to the airport, hopping a plane to Colombia, and giving that Juan Valdez a punch in the face!

Grouchy Joe's Archive