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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR ANTIQUING HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
SEATTLE, WA-- While scientists continue to struggle with locating genes responsible for leukemia and other diseases, they believe they have discovered the gene that provides men with the desire to go shopping for antiques.
The so-called "antiquing gene" is rare among men, and yet is highly sought after by wives and girlfriends. Dr. Brenda Whiteside, a genetic engineer from Washington State University, declares that antiquing is a rewarding shopping experience. "Men in general, lack the necessary genetic programming to shop. In fact, our studies have shown that antique shopping triggers areas deep in the primitive brain stem of males associated with panic and running. This is obviously a flawed mutation on the Y chromosome." Dr. Whiteside said the gene was difficult to locate, as most men are not born with it, and even those that are imprinted with the rare code are reluctant to come forward. "Test subjects are difficult to find," she admitted. The gene appears to be recessive, and even when present may be dormant until environmental factors triggered by close proximity to estrogen awaken it. Dr. Whiteside believes that special enhancers painfully injected directly into the testicles may not only inhibit endorphins that keep the gene from reacting positively to stained wood furniture and Hummells, but actually awaken the gene into creating its own endorphins that provide pleasure at the sight of a well-worn silver spoon. To test this theory Dr. Whiteside has injected an 18-year-old volunteer, Peter Kellogg, with a test serum. Genomic DNA was extracted from a healthy male subject, who admittedly desired to hunt for bargains on weekends, and was interested in finding a hutch, perhaps made of cherry. The subject's microsatellite primer pairs were extracted from stem cells inside his marrow and bred in a classic-style petri dish, circa 1937. "Before the injection we tested Peter by taking him to several stores in Seattle's Antique Row," said Dr. Whiteside. "Peter had absolutely no interest in chandeliers, armoires, or dining room sets. We even sat him down in a Hoop Back Windsor, and there was no reaction. He kept looking at his watch and fidgeting." After fusing the DNA of the male donor-shopper with Peter's defective code, Dr. Whiteside is cautiously optimistic. "It is still very early in the testing process," she said, "but there have been positive signs. Just today I showed Peter a picture of Persian carpet and his eyes lingered on the intricate pattern for a few moments." "Progress does have its price though," she continued, "when I showed him some lovely depression-era glass-ware he became downright bitchy and called it tacky." "If
we can fuse the best of the antiquing gene with the best of the submission
gene we will have true hope for the promise of ending the struggling between
American couples. This is a chance to bring families closer together."
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