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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR GAMING HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
DALLAS-- Be prepared to tremble and 'quake.' With his armies now in place, John Carmack is ready to take over the world.
"The Carmack," the evil genius behind the Doom and Quake games (which have been revealed to be training simulations), has started putting his ten-year plan into action. For years, he had been quietly recruiting his perfect army, using PC and console video game technology. The unsuspecting "gamers" had been sharpening their military skills while their wills were being weakened and crushed. "I got the idea from The Last Starfighter," said the overlord-to-be. "They had these stand-up arcade games placed throughout the galaxy. In actuality, they were complex simulations that tested people's reactions during combat simulations, and rated their tactical abilities." "But of course that wasn't really possible in 1984," admitted Carmack. His vision is more fiendish than the science fiction it was based on, but unfortunately early game (simulation) designs were flawed, and a postponement of his master-plan was unavoidable. "When I created the Doom series, I had the mind-control programming in place, but all people wanted to do was kill orcs," said Carmack. "That was a setback. That, and the fact I couldn't get the damned music out of my head." Carmack was also forced to delay his plans further in 1998 when former co-conspirator John Romero rose above his station. Carmack sensed the ambitious Romero's insatiable lust for power, and banished him from the Texas compound. "It had to be done," said Carmack solemnly. "John forgot his place." Romero, driven by frenzied desire, continued his own pursuit of global conquest. His counter-plan was to brainwash people through a PC game entitled Daikatana, a Japanese "first-person shooter". Daikatana was supposed to hypnotize subjects into adoring Romero. But despite all the propaganda, the plan failed to reach enough subjects. Romero was devastated by the failure. Later on, he was deceived by an evil temptress who tricked him into playing his own game, and Romero was eventually consumed by his own self-admiration. The loss of Romero had cost Carmack valuable time, but he was able to hire other minions-- programmers, designers, and artists who were unaware of his true ambitions. When Quake III Arena was finally released upon the world, Carmack knew the time was close at hand. "Quake III Arena was exactly the type of combat warfare simulation I needed to train my armies," said Carmack. "The 'game' was so addictive, so pervasive, it was easy to subvert all of those who played it." "What seemed to others like simple spellbinding was actually a complex neural interaction involving multipass algorithms and synaptic pixel shader functionalities--a clever combination of gameplay and military training. It was basically the multipass algorithms that interacted with synaptic responses," said Carmack almost hysterically. "And I was also pleased with the fixed function geometry paths." Most will not understand the "technobabble" behind the master plan. And by the time they do, it will have already been too late. Carmack initiated stage one of his "plan" at this year's QuakeCon, unbeknownst to its thousands of attendees. "Let
the reign begin!" announced Carmack.
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