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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BASKETBALL HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
SALT LAKE CITY, UT -- Malonists across the state of Utah are gathering this month to celebrate the Festival of Karl, and to pray that the divine Mailman returns for the 2001-2002 season. The Festival of Karl happens before every basketball season as worshippers pray to The Prophet to play for yet another year with the Utah Jazz.
"Oh mighty Mailman, he who rises above the rims to bring forth the rebounds and give unto those the outlet passes anon. Let him deliver us to the finals once again, our place thusly secured." So it is written in the First Book Of Karl. Malonists, the worshippers of Karl, are a religious body formally recognized in the state of Utah. During the annual festival, extra prayer sessions are being held at their main temple outside of Salt Lake City. Worshippers are encouraged to dress in Jazz attire, and both home and away vestments are acceptable. With each passing season their prayers become more urgent. The entire future of the Malonist faith is dependent upon the continuation of Karl Malone's career. "Every season that He returns is a miracle, praise Him," said one Priest of Karl, dressed in the official shorts of purple, light blue, green and copper, and a matching tank top. "Let the Mailman return to his place amongst those who call themselves the Jazz. Let His glory be renewed again, with the assistance of the disciples John, Bryon and Greg." While no one is sure whether Karl will bless his followers with yet another NBA season, several fanatics have been seen around the city, extolling the virtues of Malonism, and waving large purple styro-foam fingers in the air in praise of Him. "He will return," said one anonymous fanatic. "Are you ready? Have you accepted Him into your heart and as part of the team's roster?" The Word from Karl is more ambivalent. "Things have to fall into place," he is reported to have said. The two-time NBA MVP, whose divinity on the court is without question, holds the future of Malonism in his very large palms.
"I'm just thankful to all Jazz fans out there," He said. "It's been a great career." The words He delivers are like the free-throws that nourish His sanctity. But the Anti-Malonites speak of heresy, and rumors of retirement are now reaching the tongues of the faithless. However, the pious, the pure, and the seasons ticketholders remain steadfast. Michael Culpepper, a devout Malonist, prays that He will return, and bestow a championship to his followers. "It is written that One will come down from the heavens, and that He will dunk and slam and smite His enemies, and rain down fire from beyond the arc," said Culpepper. "Let no one befoul Him lest they suffer the wrath from His elbows. Who can that be but Karl?" Culpepper then collapsed
in rapture.
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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