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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR ROLLING STONES HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
LONDON, ENGLAND-- In a press conference yesterday, the superannuated mastodons of rock ‘n’ roll, The Rolling Stones, announced plans to continue performing concerts around the world regardless of age, infirmity, or even death.
In a plan unveiled before stunned press reporters, each member of The Rolling Stones will, upon death, undergo a highly specialized embalming procedure similar to that used on stuffed game trophies. Their bodies will be placed in unique, yet timeless rock star poses and then vacuum sealed inside space-age, indestructible sarcophagi. Once safely preserved inside their “Tour Tombs” The Rolling Stones will be set to "rock" in perpetuity. Mick Jagger, lead singer of the legendary group, believes that The Rolling Stones will actually be able to play more concerts dead than they could alive. “It’s about the fans, and it’s about the music, and it’s about giving more fans more music,” said Jagger, a former large-mouthed bass. “After we’re dead, we’ll be quite removed from the rigors of touring. We won’t have to eat, we won’t have to sleep, and we won’t become fatigued. And we bloody well won’t have to haul Keith (Richards, guitarist) out of a Pakistani heroin bordello, plunge his nude, emaciated body into a tub full of ice-water, and inject his heart full of adrenalin just in time to cancel the bleedin’ gig!” Richards, virtually retarded after decades of heavy drug abuse, concurred with a slack jaw, a blank gaze, and a thin string of drool from the corner of his vacant grin. “The advanced embalming techniques we intend to use on The Rolling Stones will actually make these guys look better,” stated forensic scientist, Mark Newton. “Once they’re finally dead we can step in and halt natural deterioration, as well as the unnatural damage they are doing to themselves with drugs, and homo-erotic asphyxiation.” “We’ve already commissioned the world's top cadaver reconstruction artists to restore the remains to their former middle-aged glory. The Rolling Stones will look good, and feel great. At this point, dying would be the best thing these guys could do for themselves.” Tour manager Craig Curtis (former Motley Crue tour manager) asserts that live Stones performances won’t hold a candle to the post-mortem concerts. Curtis promises that the “after death” shows will be a spectacle to end all spectacles. “We got a system of pulleys, revolves, and conveyers that we can use to move the band members around the stage, inside their glass coffins,” said Curtis. “We’re gonna decorate the coffins with Harley-Davidson logos, and chains, and shit. Make ’em look fuckin’ cool. Get some bikini chicks to rub up on their coffins. Throw in a giant pyrotechnics production, lasers, smoke machines, big screen smut videos; it’ll be fuckin’ great. Not like their old gigs. You ever seen a live Stones concert? Fuckin’ balloons, and knee-pads, and shit? Real pussies. We’re gonna give The Stones chainsaws for cocks!” “I think it’s a testament to their ’longevity’ as artists,” quipped the smiling Rolling Stones manager, Nibs O’Shea. An impish twinkle in his Irish eyes assured everyone that the pun was definitely intended. A few of the female reporters giggled at his roguish charm, sighed, and wistfully recalled their favorite scenes from “Notting Hill”. “Over millennia, as the fans have evolved from monkeys to men, The Rolling Stones have always been there. We want to make sure that they always are. We want to make sure this lumbering, hulking, money-making machine never, ever grinds to a halt,” said O’Shea. Then he touched a finger to the side of his nose, and whoosh up the chimney he went. “Gathering
Moss”, an acoustic re-tooling of The Stones biggest hits, is set
to hit stores this fall.
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