The Toque -- Satire That Pulls The Wool Out From Over Your Eyes

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TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16TH, 2001 | LAST WEEK

Issue 26 | Volume 4

Drunken Night Results In Unwanted Tattoo

OAKLAND, CA-- Trent Lefler has had few regrets in his life--until now.

Unwanted Tattoo While out drinking with his buddies from work Saturday night, the 25-year-old auto-glass installer was pressured into getting a Tattoo.

"Ahh, crap," said Trent. "There's no way in hell I would've gotten him if I was sober."

Trent fears what his girlfriend Diane is going to say about the Tattoo when he sees her this weekend.

"This is going to be a little hard to explain," said Trent, who got his Tattoo at the same time as Darrell, Jeff, and Doug. "The other guys are single, and girls think the short guy is kind of cute. Geez, how am I even going to feed him?"

The owner of the Tattoo parlour said is was important to keep the Tattoo out of direct sunlight. He also mentioned that he should wash him with soap and warm water,and that he shouldn't pick at him for the first couple of weeks.

Pool Chump Sank Own Chances For Bedroom Snooker

HOAGLAND, IL-- Diane Pate was having fun on her fifth date with Steve Forrest last Friday, and had thoughts of spending the night with him that evening--that was until he beat her nine straight times in pool.

Pool Jerk "I was having fun, up until he turned into a competitive jerk," said Diane. "Now he's welcome to play pocket pool on his own."

Steve thought things were going smoothly. "I thought if I had let Diane win she would have thought I was being insincere."

Steve intends to make up to Diane this week by spending his entire paycheque on carnival games trying to win her a stuffed prize.

Giant Thirst Quenched With 10,000 Litre Can Of Beer

EDMONTON, AB-- When Stan the Giant gets hungry, he snacks on a few sides of beef from a local cattle farm. But when he's parched, Stan heads to the Labatt brewery, where engineers have developed a new 10,000 litre can of beer.

Big Beer Stan, now the only resident giant in Canada since the passing of the Friendly Giant, enjoys a good brew every now and then. But unfortunately for Stan, the cost of each beer is over $16,000 and the deposit on the can is another $900.