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Ernie
Speaks Out On Bert-Bin Laden Issue
NEW YORK-- Ernie the muppet is shocked, but not completely surprised
by the recent attention his former Sesame Street companion has
been garnering in the news these past two weeks. While Ernie believes
that Bert is still good on the inside, he blames himself for not
spotting the warning signs years ago.
"Bert
has been always been a Negative Nellie," said Ernie, Bert's
former roommate, before a special U.N. council, which included
Italian Prime Minister Massimo D'Alema, and British P.M. Tony
Blair. "But, really, he's just been hanging around with the
wrong sort of people."
Ernie recognized early on that Bert had been counterproductive.
During their initial season on Sesame Street, Ernie says that
Bert deliberately chose a vertically-striped sweater, after Jim
Henson had already approved matching horizontally-striped attire,
creating strife and mistrust with his producers.
"There
was also that Sesame Street album incident," said Ernie,
who was recently seen meeting with U.N. Chairman Kofi Annan."I
asked Bert what he wanted to sing for the Bert & Ernie Sing-Along,
and he said: 'I don't want to sing along'. That ended up being
the first track on the album."
Ernie hopes that his lifelong muppet buddy is able to turn his
life around. He admits disappointment in Bert's recent choices,
but thinks that the fuzzy-topped character can turn it around.
"Bert just needs to be in control of his own wires,"
added Ernie, who is scheduled to meet this weekend with Canadian
Prime Minister Jean Chretien to discuss Canada's future in global
economics. "Even through all this, Bert's still my best friend."

The Toque is published every Tuesday, and
hasn't missed a deadline to date.
The Toque is not associated or affiliated
with any other publication or vegetable. All of our stories are
original and written by our own staff.
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Wife
Cleverly Renames Meals, Family Oblivious
ROSEDALE, IL-- Judith Merritt has a limited cooking repertoire,
but after attending a marketing seminar at the Motel 6 conference
hall last Saturday, she has learned that presentation can make
her bland dinners seem like culinary marvels.
"Last
night I made a 'Parmesan Pasta Casserole' for my family," said
Judith. "They had no idea it was really only macaroni and cheese.
I really sold them on it."
This week, Judith is planning to delight her loved ones with a
daring meal of 'Oven-baked legumes in a tangy molasses sauce, mixed
with sliced portions of pre-selected meat portions'. Judith hopes
her weiners 'n beans spin-doctoring will have the family "eating
out of her hands".

Starbucks
Now Offering Ciprolicious Coffee Drinks
SEATTLE-- Starbucks, America's coffee leaders, will be serving
a new line of beverages to eager customers starting this week. The
trendy new drinks are expected to provide that extra peace-of-mind
that only a Starbucks coffee can give.
After drinking a Starbucks coffee beverage, customers always have
that warm, calming feeling, and now they will have added reassurance
provided by the new line of cipro-laden drinks.
The ciproccino, iced cipro mocha, and the steamed ciprocano will
also be featured alongside the cipro lattes..

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