 |
 | |||
|
|
| |||
|
|
 |
 |
||||||||||||||||||
| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
THE FAIRLY DARK FOREST-- Witch Beatrice (Betty as she is known to her crones), the newest resident of the Fairly Dark Forest, will be doing some necessary upgrades to her candy home over the next few weeks, as the gingerbread-sided cottage failed to meet building codes. A recent inspection revealed several flaws in its construction.
Witch Betty, 138, recently moved to the forest after receiving a divorce settlement from her warlock ex-husband. The witch, who had the candy house custom-baked by reliable confection contractors--or so she thought--feels she is a victim of inconsistent construction standards and threatened to turn the contractors into toads if the problems weren't fixed. "How was I to know that they needed to use 12" diameter candy-cane beams for the support columns?" cackled Witch Betty, a former brewmaster who now just sells potions part-time. "The supervisor, Greg [Kitchener], told me he was using nothing but the finest confections for construction. I may just have to give him boils." Garrett Houndstooth, state building inspector, cited several violations and sub-standard building practices on the 380 sq. ft. home, and gave Witch Betty the report--without sugar-coating it.
"Well, for starters, the licorice wiring is definitely a fire hazard," said Garrett. "If something did catch on fire, this whole house would caramelize in an instant." Garrett's exterior inspection mentioned poor glaze on the windows, icing mouldings that were already cracking, and almond bark shutters that were beginning to rot. In addition, Garrett stated that the landscaping would require a rock candy base, and several sugar-plum trees would need to be planted to prevent erosion. He also recommended a driveway made of jellybeans or candy-corn gravel, and suggested that she build a lollipop fence around the property to protect the home against sweet-toothed children. Witch Betty was only slightly upset as Garrett recited several other violations about the plumbing, heating, and ventilation. "Well, at least the front door's solid...solid chocolate that is," added Garrett, who continued to scribble down code violations. Inside, Garrett pointed out that the attic's candy floss insulation was too thin, and that there needed to be more gumdrops in the fireplace mortar. He also suggested that Betty invest in a larger cooking pot. "This pot is barely big enough for cooking even just one child at a time," said Garrett. Witch Betty took the news in stride, and accepted that her new home would require a little more attention before she was ready to move in. "It's alright," said Witch Betty. "I can stay at my cousin Hazel's until these matters are taken care of." Witch Betty
thanked the nice building inspector before he left, and offered him a
nice bowl of Gretel stew.
|
|||||||||||||||||||
 |
|
||||||||||||||||||
| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
| Tell us what you thought. Visit our Message Boards. | HOME | DISCLAIMER | ABOUT US | Copyright 2005-2001 The Toque Entertainment. |
