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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
CHEYENNE, WY-- The Stephenson family, usually an average American household, has been under "Vegetarian Rule" for the past five weeks. But some fear that Pamela Stephenson, wife of Chuck, and mother to Robby, 7, and Christy, 9, is losing control of their diets.
After more than a month of vegetarianism, Chuck and the kids are so "consumed" with a desire for meat that they are starting to hallucinate. "Do you remember all those cartoons where the starving guy looks at his best friend and sees him as a plump roast?" asked Chuck. "Well, right now that guy is me." The vegetarian diet imposed by Pamela (who Chuck is now referring to as "The Vegetalitarian") has reached its limit. Chuck used to enjoy breakfast burritos, but now it's granola with extra wheat germ and lecithin. He used to salivate over a McDonald's Big Extra, which he'd wolf down with a healthy-sized portion of french fries. Now, Pam packs his lunch with carrot sticks, zucchini loaves, and yogourt bars. Chuck is also concerned for his children. To his amazement, even the kids' sandwich meat was replaced with an "alternative" meat substitute. The replacement protein was cleverly hidden among sprouts, cucumber slices, and other tasteless vegetables fillers inside a textured vegetable protein-enriched multigrain bread. "I went to a lot of extra effort with those lunches," said Pamela. "I found a recipe for a miso-peanut butter spread, which I've been using on spelt and kamut breads." "The vegetarian chili-dogs were too much," said Chuck. "There was no flippin' chili in it, and the weiner was made of tofu. That's a blatant and callous misrepresentation of American culture and tradition." "How could she do that?" he asked, "Especially after September 11?" Pamela just wants her family to eat healthy. "We have to cut out all the fatty and hormone-injected animal products," she said. "I'm worried for their colons. I know it's hard now, but just wait until Thanksgiving and they taste my 'tofurkey' tofu turkey loaf!" "Nobody ever died healthy," said Chuck. "But if I continue to eat like this, there could be an exception. Where is it written in my marriage contract that I must renounce pepperoni sticks, corn-dogs, or meat-lovers pizzas?" "I love my wife," added Chuck. "But I need to tell her about my beef. Beef..." And then
Chuck drifted-off into a hamburger-filled hallucination.
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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