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Seniors Demanding Second Bus

COCOA BEACH, FL-- The residents of the Pleasant Cove Retirement Centre are suggesting to management that a second bus may be required for their field trips and other excursions outside the home. Many of the tenants believe that their transportation needs are not being met.

"It says Max. Cap. 12 Pass. on the outside of our bus," said Orville Weinhart, 87. "I don't know what that means, but there sure as hell isn't room for 39 of us in here. Ethel [Crabmore] had her hip on my privates last week. At this rate I'd almost rather not go to the Bing-O-Rama anymore."

Orville, and others, plan to stage a tapioca fasting next week; they won't gum any of their desserts until their demands for a second vehicle are met.

Samuel L. Jackson's Swear Jar Full Again

NEW YORK-- The savings are adding up in the Jackson household, as the acclaimed actor was forced to fill yet another jar with change. Noted for his "colourful language", Samuel L. had to deposit three dollars into the jar after wife LaTanya caught him swearing around the house again.

"That's the third mother*&#@ing jar this year," said Jackson, who believes that his family is taking advantage of him. "I do not believe the *&$% that goes around this *@#$ing house. I'm pretty damned sure this doesn't happen around the Willis's home, that's for damned sure."

LaTanya plans to use the money to install a v-chip on their television.

The Toque is published every Tuesday, and hasn't missed a deadline to date.

The Toque is not associated or affiliated with any other publication or vegetable. All of our stories are original and written by our own staff.

Spelunkers See The Light

CARCASSONNE, FRANCE-- First-time cave explorers Marty White and Mitsou Amashagi saved up their money to go to France, taking four weeks vacation to go spelunking.

When they arrived at the Gouffre Geant or "Giant Hole", a popular cavern near the village of Carcassonne, they were told of the wonders and dangers of underground exploration.

"After they told us how long we would be underground, and the breathtaking risks we would be taking--the heartpounding adventure--we said 'screw this!'," said Marty. "Why the hell do I want to risk my life crawling around, looking at rocks and mud? I'm only nineteen for Christ's Sake!"

Marty and Mitsou then decided to spend their vacation touring Europe by train.

This week's issue of The Toque sponsored by The Modern Jaywalker Magazine

A Wet Welcome For Mickey McGillicutty

I'll Give You A Reason For Being Sick

Your Marital Bliss Can Improve As Prophecied In The Bible