 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
 |
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
INFORMATION:
editor@thetoque.com EDITOR: editor@thetoque.com ADVERTISING: editor@thetoque.com FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK |
|
|
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27TH, 2001 | LAST WEEK
 |
|
|||
|
Inventor's Secret Revealed AMERICA-- Ron Popeil, noted inventor and television personality has a dark secret that has been revealed. His inventions, consumer products that have been finding their way from your television screen to your kitchen shelf are the result of alien technology.
"I saw an alien give Popeil a device that looked very much like a rotisserie cooker," said the unnamed source. "Then the alien disappeared into a cornfield and Popeil walked out with this strange new kitchen appliance. Obviously a prototype of alien origin." In the following weeks, infomercials started appearing on television, promoting Popeil's newest invention, (by no coincidence) a roasting oven that would sell for three payments of less than $20 (with shipping and handling extra).
Game Cube Family Forbids Daughter From Seeing Son Of X-Box Owners VERONA-- Julie Capulet has been told by her parents that she is no longer allowed to see her boyfriend Ron Montague. Julie's family owns one of the new Nintendo Game Cubes, while the Montagues purchased an X-Box, and they don't wish her consorting with "those Micro-scum." However, Julie intends to continue her romance in secret, not caring what her parents think of Ron, or his family's choice in console gaming entertainment. "I love Ron, despite his family's insistence on using a Microsoft product, however high in detail the new games appear to be," said Julie. Ron forswore that he would not allow his parents to deny him access to his true love. Despite the Montague's poor choice in platforms, Julie was destined to be with him.
The Toque is published every Tuesday, and hasn't missed a deadline to date. The Toque is not associated or affiliated with any other publication or vegetable. All of our stories are original and written by our own staff. |
|
Professional Juggler Can't Balance Wife And Mistress VANCOUVER-- Keith Lockhart, a local juggler and part-time magician, cannot seem to find the time to manage his job, and his love life. Keith, who has been married for five years to Rachel, is finding it increasingly difficult to spend any time with his girlfriend Heather. "This is too much for me," said Keith, who has performed at the Pacific National Exhibition for the last nine seasons. "I'm going to have to tell Heather it's over." Keith had met Heather while performing on stage during the Folk Festival two months ago, but has been unable to find enough time to accommodate her "needs". "It's necessary," said a disappointed Keith. "The way things were going, one of them was going to find out about the other. I couldn't juggle them both."
Columbo Knows You're Guilty LOS ANGELES-- You may think that you committed the perfect crime, but there is that nagging feeling inside telling you that you have left an obvious clue for Lt. Columbo to stumble upon.
Why didn't you just flee when you had the chance? As soon as you let that guy into your house, you were screwed. Don't pretend that you knew nothing about the locked door or the unusual crease in the victim's pants--the stall tactics won't work. Just give it up. It didn't work for Johnny Cash or William Shatner, so it's not going to work for you.
|
Although
sources cannot be named for fear of retribution, reliable information
was obtained when Mr. Popeil was recently spotted consorting with
what appeared to be a sentient non-human being.
Don't
be distracted by his feigned interest in your coffee table or your
rare collection of antique weapons--it's all just smalltalk. The
lieutenant is waiting for you to slip up. It's only a matter of
time.
|
 |
 |
||
|
Police Close To Solving Vending Machine Deaths |
||
|
||
 |
||
SHARON
PROPHET
|
||
|
||
 |
||
SHIRLEY
EUGESTE
|
||
|
||
 |
||
CECIL
SECHELLES
|
||
|
||
|
|
||
|
EDITORIAL
ARCHIVES
|
||
|
BURT
UMBRE |
