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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
AUSTIN, TX-- After spending years developing and perfecting pancake flipping technologies Professor William Thackery has established a company to create and market some of the products he and his team have patented.
His new corporation, Spatulanix, will focus on the development of bioteflons, naturally occurring teflon-like particles that can be incorporated into frying batter that needs turning -- like pancakes. "This is a momentous step forward for people, like myself, who've always had a problem properly flipping their jack-flaps over," said the professor. "With the integration of these bioteflons into the viscous proto-pancake fluid those suckers will practically fly off the spatula instead of sliding over the edge of the pan, or worse, sticking to the bottom." "People don't realize how much time and effort is wasted on missed flips, sticking batter and overly-browned edges," said Professor Thackery. "I've devoted my career to helping solve these practical dynamic dilemmas." Professor Thackery is single-handedly responsible for the development of bioteflonics into a reputable science. "I spent many years, most of the 50s and 60s actually, working within the physics department in an attempt to work out the forces necessary to properly carry a flap-jack or pancake into an aerodynamic maneuver," said Professor Thackery. "I was secretly hoping, I think, to find a sub-atomic particle, something like the hadron, that could move a pancake through time and space to a position roughly 30 centimeters above a hot oiled surface." "The breakthrough happened in the 1970s, with the growth of multi-disciplinary departments in the universities," continued Professor Thackery. "Professors Smith, Hargreaves and myself had moved into bio-chemistry and stumbled onto our first bioteflons in 1978. We called them jumpotons at the insistence of Hargreaves who thought they looked like jumping beans. He never really understood the magnitude of what we found, and I moved on to develop my own research team." Pancake industry giants, crepeceuticals, are showing interest in the new product. "We think Professor Thackery may have something that could mesh cutting-edge markets and streamline breakfast-serving technologies," said an unnamed minion of a giant corporation that supplies pre-made pancake mix to restaurants and institutions. "We know the Dutch are also working on a solution, but obviously we would prefer an American-made product." Dr. Van der Kriegenhoeffeeuuuuw from the research department of a large Dutch pancake house is also interested. "We have been searching for years for a non-invasive methodology that would facilitate the moving of our incredibly large and delicious pancakes from one side to the other," he said. "We will see how successful this American Professor is with his formula." Professor Thackery is enthusiastic. "This new formula will work with any spatula, or flipping utensil," he said. "By God, you could almost use a trowel, spackle knife, or pie server and still get amazing results. Not only that but the bioteflons do not affect the batter in any way. If anything they help keep the pancakes and flap-jacks perfectly even and round, and without any of those little dribbly bits that sometimes come off the sides." He also sees other applications for his bioteflons. "The French could really improve their crepes with my new formulas. And one of our next projects will be working on an application for omelettes," he said. "I also have an idea for improving syrup viscosity." Some public interest groups remain unconvinced. "How will the teflon affect the colon? Will it be another olestro scandal?" asked Margaret Diazo, spokesperson for Keep Our Wheat Free. The opposition
doesn't faze members of Elk Lodge number 38 in Austin, who hope these
techniques will help them at the Lodge pancake breakfast this Sunday in
the parking lot of Dan's Barely Used Cars between 8:30-10:00, just before
the doors open for the flea market.
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