 |
 | |||
|
|
| |||
|
|
 |
 |
|||||||||||||||
| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR VENDING MACHINE HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
TORONTO-- Police in Toronto are perplexed, unable to understand why vending machine deaths continue to short-change the people of the Canadian metropolis. Ontario citizens are outraged, because law enforcement officials can't seem to "punch in the right codes" that would solve the mysteries behind these snack-machine related deaths.
Even working in cooperation with the Canadian Standards Association (CSA), Metro police have yet to crack the case, or even find a key that would open it up. However, they have identified a pattern, and have come up with a profile. "These vending-machine types are quite transparent," said Metro police investigator Pervis Compton. "It's hard for them to conceal anything. Most of the time, you can see right through them." Compton and others, however, have been powerless to stop the rise in vending-machine related "accidents" in Toronto. "I'm not so sure they are accidents," said Compton. "I suspect there may be something more sinister involved. I'm not going to candy-coat it. This may be murder." Professor Simon Ansiman, head of at the University of York has been studying the tipping phenomenon of vending machines, and can only conclude that the machines are not toppling without just cause. "I've yet to see a case where a vending machine has toppled without a crushed human underneath," said Prof. Ansiman. "It is quite obvious that these machines have their own agenda. Perhaps even a vend-etta that is being waged against mankind." During the inquest, investigators questioned several notorious Vendo 475's, and one Coffeetron 4100. After hours of fruitless cross-examination, detectives were unable to get anything out of the vending machines--as they didn't take 'toonies'. Despite the evidence, vending machine supporters are dismissing the accusations as ridiculous. "All this talk about soda machines having a high center of gravity, or that liquids and foodstuffs make these machines unstable is just preposterous," said Ian Dupont-Daflore, an advocate for vending machine rights. "It's obvious that these deaths were a result of self-defense. You can be sure that the vending machines were only crushing these people as a last resort. What would you do if people were striking you repeatedly, and reaching their hands up your orifices?" Although it's difficult to find facts, an article in the Journal of the American Medical Association documents cases where the perpetrator of fifteen crushing deaths was a vending machine. Since the article was published, several vending machines have been charged in seemingly non-related vending machine accidents. In one instance, a vending machine callously crushed a man's skull, and another incident where the human's skull wasn't crushed, but the intercerebral bleeding was so massive, it might as well have been crushed. The suspect in both cases was an "electronic floor model glass front FM 1462." Police believe
that particular snack merchandisers should be avoided, until the mysteries
have been solved, and recommend that people purchase their junk food from
a safe and responsible retail food outlet, or an honour-system snack tray.
At the time of this printing several coffee vending machines had been
appropriated, and were under intense investigation in the police lunchroom.
|
||||||||||||||||
 |
|
|||||||||||||||
| Tell us what you thought. Visit our Message Boards. | HOME | DISCLAIMER | ABOUT US | Copyright 2005-2001 The Toque Entertainment. |
