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Magicians Have Discovered Secret Of Aging

LAS VEGAS-- The zany magician team of Penn & Teller has revealed more than an illusionist's trick--they claim to have discovered the secret to everlasting youth.

"To be honest, I'd rather we'd found the secret to good looks," said Penn Gillette, who admitted that he has been performing magic since 1789.

"It was Romania in 1908, when I met Teller," said Penn, remembering fondly. "He was performing in a carnival as the beardless man."

The entertaining duo are not ready to divulge the secret of agelessness--just yet--and promise that when they do announce the secret, it will be surrounded by mischief, misdirection, and hyjinx.

"Oh, you will be amazed," said Penn, with a devilish grin.

Teller had nothing to add.

Diamondback Fans Now Appear More Abundant In Toronto

TORONTO-- Although it wasn't apparent a few months ago, it seems that there are far more Arizona Diamondbacks fans in Toronto than originally estimated. Since the expansion team won the World Series a few weeks ago, people in greater numbers are walking around the city wearing jerseys and baseball caps of the newest champions.

"I hadn't realized there were so many D-backs in our city," said Wade Fenn, a Blue Jays fan. "It must be that all these fans were indoors before, watching [Arizona's] run at the World Series."

Sales for Arizona Diamondback merchandise are up significantly in local sports apparel shops. It would appear most Diamondback fans are doing better financially than they were during baseball season, when very few sales were reported for official Diamondback sports items.

Dinner Guest Agrees To Take Home Leftovers

RENTON, WA-- Deirdre Jones, a dinner guest, eventually gave in to her host's wishes, when she agreed to take home several slices of roast, and a Tupperware container of coleslaw last night. Kelli Lipton, who had invited Deirdre over for supper, insisted that she take home the leftover food, lest they should become eaten the next evening, or packed away needlessly into a lunch the following day. Deirdre graciously accepted the task, and blushed when Kelli offered her gratitudes.

The Toque is published every Tuesday, and hasn't missed a deadline to date.

The Toque is not associated or affiliated with any other publication or vegetable. All of our stories are original and written by our own staff.

Cable Subscriber Disappointed At Lack Of Ambient Programming

KELOWNA, BC-- Sissy Campbell's cable service provider offers several movie channels, pay-per-view, specialty programming, and a variety of variety channels. However, there is an apparent lack of ambient channels for her to choose from.

"Where is that channel where you can watch the log burning in the fireplace," asked Sissy, who is paying $34.95 a month for her television services. "Where is the station that broadcasts the fishing swimming around in the aquarium?"

Sissy expressed her disappointment to a service representative for the cable company, but didn't get any results.

"I would have settled for the channel that shows the Christmas tree, with its blinking lights and twinkling ornaments," said Sissy defeatedly. "Perhaps I can shop for them on DVD instead."

This week's issue of The Toque sponsored by School Bully Digest Magazine

Fun With Genetics: Clone Your Sibling

BARRY ONMIONE

Zygotes Must Be Sacrificed