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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BACHELOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
So what is a bachelor to do? Most bachelors, and especially those going to college, are on a severely limited budget. Unless mom and dad are pitching in a little extra to keep you stocked with premium foodstuffs, you're on your own. If you're lucky, there's a discount supermarket close by, and you can stock up on damaged cans of beef stew, or buy the packaged macaroni and cheese by the crate. Stay the hell away from delis, butcher shops, and Costco. You're just going to get burned! Cooking is another story (which I will cover in a future article), but generally you are grocery shopping for the savings, the cooking convenience, and for post-cooking management (dishes, etc.). Avoid any food that requires any preparation whatsoever. You don't want to be wasting time making batter, marinating meat, or inventing sauces. Your time is valuable, and you'd much rather be kicking back, watching the game, or playing Quake. Stick to the basics: rice, vegetables, and frozen prepared foods (only when affordable). Cereal, porridge, or toast is all you need in the morning, and any form of sandwich will do for lunch. Peanut butter is highly recommended, as it goes with almost anything: honey, jam, bananas, that lemon shit, or even lettuce. Now don't go quoting me on any of this nutrition stuff, because it just doesn't apply. You'll have plenty of time to eat right when you've graduated and gotten yourself a family. Having a roommate can work both for and against you. Your typical roommate will eat your leftovers without asking, and pretend he didn't see your name on the Tupperware. But, if you are the typical roommate, well then, more food for you! Either way, splitting the grocery bill never works, because one of you is going to eat most--or all--of the french fries. Lock up the good stuff in your steamer trunk, and keep the snack foods by your bed. Recycling
sucks, so keep that in mind when you're working on your shopping list.
There's no deposit on a Big Gulp cup, hence no return. Stay away from
anything that will go bad in your fridge, whether you plan to eat it right
away or not. And remember, nobody cares what is in your cupboards--this
isn't a popularity contest. Brand names are for yuppies, and canned corn
is canned corn. Don't give in to peer pressure when you're grocery shopping,
and stay single as long as you can!
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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