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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
Happily for Mr. Perrault, the answer arrived in the form of a new surgical technique, making the inspirational success of Tony Robbins and others of his ilk forever implanted in the brains of his team. Neural Programming involves rewiring the neural pathways in the brain to keep the person always functioning at peak efficiencies, replacing doubt and uncertainty with a cheery can-do attitude. The one unfortunate side-effect are muscle spasms caused by the broad smile that is permanently etched on their faces, but this is more than made up for by increased peppiness and willingness to work long hours. Coffee consumption is also down as the reprogramming causes a steady stream of endorphins to be released for the "positive-outlook-on-life" effect. "At first I was afraid that my sales people would reject this opportunity," said Mr. Perrault. "I thought they might raise objections like it was brainwashing, or ethically unsound or some other garbage like that. But every one of them jumped at this marvelous chance to become more productive, make more money, and feel better too!" "The Neural Programming has been great," confirmed Kelly "Skip" Haas, sales manager with a smile. "I used to have to attend motivational sessions once a month to keep myself going. That's expensive! This way I'm always on top of it. My day-timer and schedule are always up-to-date and I always have cheery telephone manner, even if my cat has just been killed by a car." Neural Programming isn't just about keeping the sales team going however. Developers have created a series of tools to help managers and project leaders like Mr. Perrault keep track of, and control, their energetic and enthusiasm-enhanced sales force. "Turn-over is always a problem in a company like ours," confided Mr. Perrault. "When a sales person is unhappy they tend to vote with their feet and move somewhere else--sometimes even to the competition. That's now less likely to happen because of some of the undocumented options we had installed." "For one thing, people are less likely to leave if they're happy, but just in case, we've rewired the loyalty area of the brain so that leaving the company can't even enter their mind. We are everything to them! Also, this this is strictly confidential, I have an emergency remote control in my desk drawer. If I push the right buttons microwaves honed to a particular frequency will set off a chain reaction that will create a brain tumour in the turn-coat. They'll be dead in a week." "So far I've only had to use that once when there was a slow down and we had to let thre people go--so to speak." Neural Programming
has worked wonders for Mr. Perrault and his sales team. Productivity and
sales are up, absenteeism and turnover are non-existant, and everyone
is happy.
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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by Burt Umbre
