CANADA'S SOURCE FOR FOREST FIRE HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE

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Ranger Isn't Just Blowing Smoke

YOUR NATIONAL PARK--Foresty and wildlife officer Hugh McDermott is under significant pressures these days. The onus of fire protection has been place solely in his hands, the entire weight of the forest is on his shoulders, because "Only Hugh Can Prevent Forest Fires."

Hugh MacDermott has a chuckle over this puny little fire.

Hugh, 62, has worked at the park for 38 years. Until recently, he had a large force of officers to help him protect the pristine regions. But after the recent cuts to his department, Hugh has been left alone with the task.

"When I heard the dispatch, all I could say was 'woah'," admitted Hugh. "This is going to be some chore. There's a lot of trees in this here forest."

The winter is seen as a low-risk period for fires at the park, but Hugh is still burdened with the increased responsibility. Hugh has recently begun to drink more, and is often seen on patrol with a beer in his hands. His blood pressure has risen, and his doctor worries about hypertension. Hugh has put on a few extra pounds, attributing his eating habits to the "extra stress" at the office.

Fortunately, there haven't been any fires to deal with yet.

"Well, that's not really true," said Hugh. "There was that little campfire left burning over in the picnic area. Heh, it was a puny little thing. I almost felt sorry for pissing it out."

Hugh blames the national forestry service for his problems. "I tell you, it's that frickin' Smokey the Bear. He's all Mr. High-and-mighty with his fancy shovel, and his stoic 'I know everything about the forest because I'm a god-damned bear' attitude. Well, you know, I've barbecued bigger bears for breakfast."

Hugh took over the leadership of the National Forest Fire-Fighting Association in 1978 when Smokey retired, but hasn't been able to rise from the big bear's shadow.

"When people think forest fires they immediately think Smokey," said Hugh. "Well what about me? I've fought more fires that he ever did. That bear blew more smoke out of his ass than ever rose from a fire. But for me there's no recognition. And now they've cut all the staff, there's no one left to step on those cigarette butts but me."

When Hugh started into forestry in 1963, he was a "go-getter."

"Back then, I couldn't wait to tackle a fire," said Hugh. "Hell, I was proclaiming that my flames of passion for my job would douse the fires of discontent. I was a bit of a poet. But now, almost forty years later I sometimes wonder what's the point? Why, now even the conservationists are saying occasional fires are good for the forest, help it regrow or some rot like that. You know Smokey wouldn't agree to that, and neither would I."

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