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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
PETER'S GATE-- It's not a great time to be an angel. Citing a slow-down in good will towards Men, God intends to downsize the angelic hierarchy by as much as one-third in time for the new year.
Most of the reduction will come from natural attrition as angels retire or fall from grace, but there will be cuts in the middle orders of the celestial essences. Most affected will be the Dominions, Principalities and Archangels. Seraphim, Cherubim and Thrones are believed to be largely untouched by the lay-offs, the largest in 374 years. The United Brotherhood of the Angelic Orders has protested the decision, saying that cuts are unnecessary and will cause "undo hardship to those requiring salvation and help in times of distress and need." "Who is going to look after sailors lost at sea? Who is going to appear to young virgins in Portugal?" asked Chrysostomos, shop steward for local #142. "These cuts are symptomatic of a government that has lost faith in redemption and the possibility of salvation. Especially in these times of war and tribulation our human charges need our guidance." Michael, Seraph and Minister of Celestial Order and Public Enlightenment, disagrees with this assessment. "We've looked long and hard at where we could save money with the least amount of distress, both to ourselves and to the humans on Earth," he said. "The sad fact is that with the decline in belief we just can't afford to have a bloated civil service any more. How many people do you know are willing to sacrifice their sons to God Most High, cutting out their livers and burning the offal and inner thighs in a scent most pleasing to the Lord?" "Over the last several years we've started to work smarter and delegated many responsibilities to mortals on Earth. For example, sanctification of ointment and Holy butter can now be done by Hierarchs appointed through the Golden Chain of Being. We don't need Angels to do that anymore," said Michael. Exactly how many angels will be laid off has not been announced, but is largely believed to be as many as can fit on the head of a pin. Because of recent changes to the Employment Insurance Act, many angels let go will only have 20 weeks of insurable earnings, despite having worked, in some cases, for over 600 years. "It's going to be hard for some of these angels to find other work," said Diabolus, a lesser Demon from the Third Circle of Hell, and employment counselor."A lot of those guys have been doing that goody-good thing all their lives. They just don't know how to adjust. They won't be able to look for opportunities. We'll take the brightest, er, darkest, ones of course, but there's going to be a lot of them just floating aimlessly about." A few angels have already received notice last Friday with their paycheck. "Yes, I was surprised," said Elaphim, an angel who has worked with the Celestial Hierarchy for 136 years. "There were rumours, of course, but it's a totally different thing when you have the pink slip in your hand." "I don't know
what I'm going to do now," he said. "A friend told me about
a gig on Earth, sitting on Christmas trees. I think I'll try that, and
we'll see what happens in the new year."
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