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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR CHRISTMAS HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
NORTH POLE-- The Gift Givers, a wholly owned subsidiary of Santa Claus Incorporated, and the legal representative of Mr. Santa Claus, confirmed Monday that talks are going badly in the negotiation of a new cola endorsement.
"We feel that our client is undervalued at the present time but if the present holder of this contract wishes to make a show of good faith we are open to that too," said Mr. Llewellyn Glinderochen, elf and lawyer for Gift Givers. Coca-Cola did not return calls at press time but did not seem overly concerned. Earlier, one member of the negotiating team expressed hope that "the old imp would come to his senses. This is the real thing, not some sort of naughty/nice game." "Mr. Claus should remember that this endorsement arrangement has helped his career immeasurably. He is the household name he is today because of our exposure," the anonymous negotiating team member continued. "Can you think of Christmas without thinking Santa Claus? And doesn't that make you thirsty for a refreshing carbonated beverage with caramel coloring in a red can or bottle? You bet it does." Santa Claus has been endorsing Coca-Cola products since 1931. Mr. Glinderochen would not say exactly what he and Mr. Claus were holding out for. Industry observers have suggested that Gift Givers and Santa Claus Incorporated are operating at a loss after their disastrous e-commerce venture last winter and are seeking a strategic alliance for financial security. "I don't think Pepsi is making a bid," said Mr. Elwood Thornbuckle, of Spritzenspeck Public Relations, "I've heard a rumour they're looking to Puff Daddy for an icon--but you didn't hear that from me. And those other 'cottage industry' cola companies just don't have the kind of capital or co-branding power that we're looking for."
Other rumours suggest that after his triple-bypass heart surgery three years ago Santa Claus has been quietly making lifestyle changes. "He's eating better and getter more exercise," confirmed Mr. Llorienum Legolassien, elf and plant manager at North Pole Manufacturers. "He's not touching those pork rinds and salted beef, and he's no longer working 60-hour weeks. He's slimmed down quite a bit. I don't even think he drinks coffee any more." When asked about the cola dispute Mr. Legolassien became coy. "I don't know what you've heard about the organic vegetable juice endorsement bid. I can't comment on that." Santa 's
contracts with Nike, United Airlines, Anheuser Busch, and Radio Shack
are up for renewal in the new year.
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