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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR CULT COMET HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
MIDLAND, TX-- Jerry Parsons loves astronomy, and is semi-famous for discovering the TX-HALO01 comet back in 1993. Jerry, who spends a lot of time looking in the sky, and spends even more money on equipment to help him do so, has found a way to pay for his star-struck hobby.
Jerry has been using his scientific talents to discover comets for cult leaders! He got the idea of discovering comets and selling them from a former fellow university student. "This guy discovered a nebula and named it after his girlfriend. What a waste I thought ," said Jerry. "But then I thinks to myself--there could be some money in this. Not long after that I was approached by this guy from Heaven's Porch or some weird group like that. He was interested in a stellar body, but he didn't want to spend much money. I tried to negotiate, but he was a hard sell. Eventually I think he settled on the Hale-Bopp comet. I never saw him again, but the word got around. I've been doing it ever since." Jerry's latest customers, whom he wishes to keep anonymous until they 'depart', are pleased with Jerry's services. In the past three years, Jerry has provided services to thirteen cults, four sects, two religious orders, and one fanatical doomsday prophet named Kevin. All his business is new business. "I don't get a lot of repeat business," admitted Jerry. "And I don't take cheques. I always make sure to ask for cash up front." Jerry's clientele have very specific needs, and disclose very little about their business. "There was this one guy, you know, shaved head, white suit with black tennis shoes, the works, and in lieu of payment, he offered me a free ride to the next dimension/plane of existence--Zeta Reticuli Prime I think. I declined, politely of course, and waited for his cheque to clear before I gave him the coordinates of his comet." Jerry has no outrageous belief system of his own, to speak of, but he will admit that he is a believer of the teachings of Dr. Carl Sagan. "Well, we're all the stuff of stars really. Ashes to ashes and all that," said Jerry. "So what if a few of them choose to quaff back a Dixie cup full of Kool-aid to expedite the process?" Jerry got
his degree in astronomy from Cal Tech, and spent one summer "charting
the noise of the universe" at the Araceibo radio telescope in Puerto
Rico.
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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