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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
My name is Frank Herschel. I was the number-one heavyweight super-villain (as ranked by the Federation Internationale des Mechants in Geneva) between 1971 and 1978, and known to the world as Captain Electro. During my time at the top I captured many misguided fools and "caped wonders" including Captain Honesty and the Red Shield. They would have been destroyed, too, if that caped airbag The Flying Lung had not intervened. Now that I've retired I am willing to give tips and tricks to help you fulfil your destiny: to take over the world! There was a time in the 1920s when tying your captured heros to train tracks was the thing to do. No longer! For one thing, no one takes the train anymore, and who today knows how to tie a decent knot? And where's the fun? The only person who'll witness the ignoble end of your worthy adversary may be the engineer--if he isn't taking a coffee break. Too many times the victim would find some way to escape anyway, and thus foil the criminal's plans. I have always been partial to large electronic devices that are set to blow up at a specific time, or giant ray guns that have been set to slowly cut their way across the floor, reaching your helpless victims minutes later. Timing is everything! You want to be able to savour the knowledge that your arch-enemies are sweating bullets knowing they cannot escape. The end is near--and you, Super-Villain, have defeated them. To help you enjoy the moment spend a few minutes with your victims as they struggle helplessly in your bonds. Nothing is more torturous to a do-gooder than knowing exactly what is going to happen and yet be unable to do anything about it. Don't be afraid to tell them your plans. What can they do about it? When I had Captain Honesty wound up in my Nefarious Magnet Induction Coil in 1976 he was on the verge of tears as I told him in torturous detail every specification of the device and how I planned to use it to hold the United Nations hostage. It took hours. How I enjoyed that moment! While they can't escape anyway, you may also consider explaining to the bound super-dud how your childhood hurts have led you to your career in crime. Practice clinching your fists in front of a mirror to show just the right amount of inner torture you have gone through. This will create pathos in the super-hero, which may be useful later if you are ever caught. Always end on a cheery note, however. A good booming laugh, preferably through loudspeakers, and echoing through the room on all sides is a good way for your captured caped crusaders to meet their end. The end of
an enemy is always something special. Be sure to savour the moment with
a drawn-out, automated device of your choosing, and taunt your victims
with your inestimable presence and hearty laugh.
Captain Electro's Evil Archive
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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Step By Step Guide With Former Evil Genius Captain Electro
