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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
BEHIND THE BARN-- When Grampa Ray decided to buy a motorized cart last Spring he thought he would regain the mobility he lost through years of physical inactivity and poor eating habits.
Although he admits he can still walk when he puts his mind to it, Grampa Ray prefers not to. "Why should I walk when I can ride this here motorized contraption," he said. "Walking is hard work. When you get to be as old and as hefty as I am you'll realize the benefits. If God wanted me to walk he'd have given me a younger and more fit body." Grampa Ray prefers the terms 'big-boned' and 'hefty' to 'fat'. "I have put on a bit of weight, it is true," he said in a recent interview, "but I've always been big-boned, and in my day I was a strong, strong man. Of course, now I'm just old, but I still want to enjoy my backyard and family. That's why I got the cart." Unfortunately, Grampa Ray has discovered there are limitations to his cart. "When we were looking at carts the salesman said this thing could go anywhere he could," said Grampa Ray. "Well that's just hog-wash. I've got serious problems with the performance of this Edsel." "For one thing, it doesn't have the horsepower to climb hills. I tried climbing up the driveway for a stroll down the street, but the damn thing started grinding like my old '49 Studebaker when it was running on two cylinders. I can't even get out of my yard!" "The manouverability is also poor. I find it difficult to get between gramma's lamps in the living room. Knocked one over onto the couch when I was swinging into the kitchen the other day. Was she ever mad. I tried to blame her cat, but she saw through that." "Traction is always a problem with this lemon. It works ok on carpet or asphalt, but cornering on the linoleum of the kitchen is always difficult." The annual family picnic was especially difficult for Grampa Ray. "My yard is on a bit of a slope," he said, "as you may have guessed from when I said I couldn't get this thing out of the driveway. Well, the backyard isn't so bad, but the engine really has to work to get back into the house from an outing to my tomatoes. At our picnic this summer the hill of the yard, and all that hay my son-in-law spread around, made it impossible for me to get around. My wheels just kept spinning around." "Winter is even worse," he said. "Rain, sleet and snow make it impossible to drive on the garden pathways. These four-inch wheels are useless. And tire chains aren't made in this size." "Some
days it seems I'd be better off getting up and walking," said Grampa
Ray, "but I'm not going to give up yet."
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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