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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR GLOBAL WARMING HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
NORTH ATLANTIC COAST-- Global warming threatens to melt polar icecaps, but farmers aren't the slighest bit upset at the trend. Warmer temperatures mean that more icebergs will be floating along coasts, and that is good news for farmers.
Iceberg lettuce is popular, but can be very expensive to grow, as it requires a delicate balance of icewater and taste-eliminating agents. Some icebergs "mined" by water companies for glacier water have been tested and are now entering production as lettuce-growing facilities. The new growing techniques are coming just in time. Iceberg lettuce, which became the most popular lettuce for salads in the 1960s, has been replaced in recent years by the more easily grown leaf and romaine varieties. However, with the recent trends in iceberg activity, prices are dropping somewhat, giving iceberg lettuce a chance to regain its market. "We've been using romaine almost exclusively in our tossed summer salads and, of course, the ever-present Caesar salad," said Chief Chef Chevvy Chadwick of the Wallachia Hotel in Manhattan. "However these exotic new strains of iceberg have a marvelous texture and excellent water retention. I believe we'll be exploiting them more often." "In fact, I think we may soon see the return of the Waldorf salad as the pre-eminent salad of choice." So far, the U.S. and Greenland have the biggest iceberg lettuce industries. Most of the world's icebergs are formed from the hundred or so major glaciers in Greenland. In the Atlantic, iceberg lettuce operations can be found off the coast of Jacobshaven, Greenland. In the Pacific, Leconte Bay, Alaska, is the single producer of the Batavian-descended vegetable. Canada hopes to get involved as well. "We see this as a marvelous opportunity for retooling the Atlantic provinces' workforce," said Mr. Lyle Vanclief, Minister of Agriculture and Agri-Food. "With the decline of the Atlantic fisheries, opportunities like this must be seized as they arrive." "This
lettuce is ideal to produce," said Harvey Westhorpe, a market operator
in Ketchikan, Alaska. "The lettuce keeps fresh from its own ice,
and there are no pesticides or chemicals necessary. It's too cold for
any insect. Occasionally, otters will snatch away a head or two, but it's
not a big problem."
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