 |
 | |||
|
|
| |||
|
|
 |
 |
||||||||||||
| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BACHELOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
However, there are some advantages to living on your own, and one I'd like to discuss today: pity dinners. A pity dinner is a meal that is offered from a family member or a close friend--usually a married one. Someone will find out that you're eating raisin toast for dinner, and call you up to offer you dinner. But these aren't your typical social evenings; a pity dinner overrides the normal customs of having to bring a bottle of wine, or a loaf of French bread. They know you're home alone sucking the crumbs out of the toaster, and will break the usual rules of dining protocol. It's easy to recognize these invitations, excusing the usual family dinners for holidays, birthdays, or Sunday night pork chops, when your mother interrogates you about your love life. A bachelor, such as myself, will receive an invitation that will be phrased in a way that makes it seem like I'm needed to help out. It will be something like: "Barry, my wife made way too much pasta, and we were wondering if you could come over and help us eat it." Or, you might be called over to help move something heavy out of the friend's garage, and the task will carry over into dinnertime. You will then get the: "Oh Barry, since you're already here, we insist that you stay and have pot roast with us tonight." This is not the same type of moving or lifting that earns you a meal, like when you're helping a friend move, or pave his driveway. But the offer is always planned well, and you usually have no choice but to stay and dine. I must warn you however that a pity dinner is not without its treacherous social invasions. Enquiring friends or family will often ask you that fatal "so what are you going to do with your life?" The best solution to that is to always shove a fork full of mashed potatoes into your mouth at the time you would respond. Gesticulate with lots of nodding and point at the food in customary satisfaction. This will help you deflect questions until someone else changes the subject. Pity dinners will often include leftovers for you to take home, which is always a bonus. Just be careful not to accept food items in plastic or ceramic containers, as you will be obligated to wash them later. The best solution is to ask for the food to be wrapped only in cellophane wrap or put into plastic bags. This removes the washing impediment. Remember,
as a bachelor, you will not need to return the dining favour. That is,
until you become attached. When that happens, the rules will all have
changed. But until that dreaded time, enjoy your freedom, and as always,
stay single!
|
|||||||||||||
 |
|
||||||||||||
| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
| Tell us what you thought. Visit our Message Boards. | HOME | DISCLAIMER | ABOUT US | Copyright 2005-2001 The Toque Entertainment. |
