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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
ARAPAHOE COUNTY, CO-- Douglas (Doogie) Hollister is excited about finally getting vanity plates for his 1981 AMC Spirit, and believes he has registered something clever.
"At first, I wanted to get '672-HBJ' which was my original state license-plate," said Doogie, who is twenty. "That would have been pretty funny, but when I mentioned it to a few friends I just got these blank stares, or else they'd say it didn't mean anything. Like, duh. People have no concept of poetry." "So then I thought to get 'ITY' and buy a van, but that seemed a little extreme--I don't need a van and sure can't afford one. And to be quite honest, I thought people might not 'get it'.""You only have a few seconds to make an impression," Doogie explained. "I think I've read that people will only spend 3 seconds reading license plates or bumper stickers. So it can't be too subtle. The conceit should be contained within the form of the plate. That's the canvas." Doogie has always been a fan of other vanity plates, almost to the point of obsession. If he doesn't figure out what the plate means, he will follow the vehicle until he does--and will stop the driver if necessary.
"I was with him when he spotted this license that said 'Ernie'," said Amanda Johnson, a former friend of Doogie. "He couldn't stop talking about it, asking me what I thought it meant, and so on. I figured it was just the guy's name, but Doogie thought it might be a post-structuralist commentary on children's programming, with references to Walter Benjamin and the Frankfurt School, or something like that. He followed the car for half an hour and finally nailed the guy at a convenience store. It was really embarrassing. It turns out the guy's name was Ernie. Doogie was mad after that. He said people like that were wasting an opportunity. I told him to get a life." Doogie's interest in customizable plates led him to the Department of Motor Vehicles to ask for a list of vanity plate registrations. He was refused. "It's a shame, really," said Doogie. "It's an artwork that's crying out for documentation and study, and instead it's being kept a secret. It is true that many of these plates are disappointing and amateurish. But some are true works of brilliance. My favourites are those that display an ironical displacement shocking the viewer's complacency and forcing a re-evaluation of dominant paradigms of expression. I think my plate, 'vanity' does just that." "I'm
hoping to create a website someday with my favourites," he added.
"So the whole world can share."
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