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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
HENSON ISLAND-- It may seem like a story from the mind of H.G. Wells, but at every opportunity I warn travellers to stay from Henson Island. You may already have heard rumours of danger told by strangers and travellers. Let me add my voice. It is true: I have been there myself.
I stumbled upon this uncharted island--it seems like so many years ago--when I was maliciously cast adrift from the passenger liner Skeeter. I had been caught eating from the 2:00pm lunch buffet, when I was clearly told to attend at 1:00pm. My indiscretion had grave consequences, as I was put to sea with only modest supplies. I was plucked, sunburned and raving, from the liferaft after several days, I think. Time had held no meaning, the days and nights passing by without measure. My rescuers were from a steamer, a ship that was crewed by rather unusual men. They almost appeared like animals, but not quite so. They had shiny-coloured fur that appeared acrylic in nature--certainly not a fabric of natural origin. I questioned not the nature of these beasts, preferring to stay to the quarters assigned to me, grateful for being rescued and for the hospitality of the steamer's captain, a man of mysterious countenance. We never reached port, but instead I was put ashore on an island I did not know, along with several crates of what I thought were supplies, several trunks of the same cloth material those beasts were dressed in, and a box marked "googly eyes". I was greeted by a strange bearded man, accompanied by a peculiar dwarf, who walked in a most animated manner. "Welcome to my island," said the host, who sounded very much like a television frog I had grown up watching on an educational program, many years ago. I was wary of my host, his constantly changing voices, and the company he kept, but grateful for being again on land, and the promise of fresh food and shelter. The dreary voyage had left me rent of strength and will. My benefactor, whose name was Henson, took me back to his compound, a sophisticated structure that he said was built for his advancement of certain scientific principles. I was nervous, as the compound was populated with many of the same unusual creatures that had worked on the steamer. Many walked and talked like men, though several had pig snouts, bushy eyebrows and long lashes. They all had the same manner of walk and motion, like marionettes without strings. Fearing that this Henson fellow was working on ungodly experiments with poor animals, I fled the compound into the deeper reaches of the island. It was there that I discovered many more creatures, some of which were so horrific to look upon that I almost reft myself of the contents of my stomach. All of these creatures had the same red or orange bulb-noses, unnatural features indeed, and certainly not seen before by mankind. One of the creatures appeared to notice that I was different and approached me. He or it, I know not how to call this creature, carried himself with some semblance of intelligence. This red-furred creature spoke with a high pitch to its voice, and to be sure, it was very interested in my features. "Elmo know the law. Elmo walk and talk like man creature. Elmo no want to go back to the creature workshop of pain." Its speech puzzled me somewhat, although there was a strange sense to its language, almost as if...but no I could not place it. Several other creatures then became aware to me, among them a greenish shaggy creature with a foul disposition I dubbed the Grouch-man, a chirpy yellow feathery one whose features resembled a bird, although much taller than I am and not like any bird recorded by Darwin or any other. A third was a skinny bluish creature who panted a lot, was called the Grover-man. There were many more, however most were nondescript, with smoothish fur and only crops of coloured hair showing on the tops of their round or conical heads. These were almost human, yet not quite nearly enough so. I did not understand completely the nature of these creatures, but I could tell they understood mine. There was no fear of me, such as beasts of the wild might hold, but under their mostly cute features I could sense a hatred, hidden and seething, waiting for some opportunity to be released. After two nights I could take no more, so afraid I was for my own safety. I waited for cover of dark, and slipped away from the encampment that was home to these hideous creations. For several days I was able to keep hidden from these malfunctions of nature. They hunted me, but their motion was bumbling and awkward. I suspect that if I was to be caught, they could do little damage to me, having developed no claws, or even teeth that I could see. Still I remained cautious, and kept away from their searching, bobbling eyes. I made my way back to the compound and noticed billows of smoke in the sky. From a distance I saw a pyre burning, and upon that pyre a man, Dr. Henson I feared. It became most obvious to me that the creatures had attacked Dr. Henson, for what reason I did not know, although I suspected it was related to his "scientific principles" he was working on. I was sure though that there had been a relationship between the half-men and the doctor. The creatures now roamed the compound, both inside and out, and a general chaos was present all around. I dared not make my presence known. Instead, I found a route back to the beach. I crept like an animal as much of the way as I could, and then in sight of the longboat that brought me to this island, I ran the rest of the way across the sand. I made it into the boat without impediment, and shoved-off as quick as I could. A lone muppet-man, yellowish with a striped-shirt, and a crop of black hair stared at me from the beach, his brows furrowed, making him appear almost malevolant. He laughed with a deep throaty voice as he pointed to me, but then his expression changed, and finally he waved to me good-bye. After a long
and harrowing ordeal at sea I was again rescued and made my way back to
civilization. I told my tale many times about the island with the creature-maker
and his creations. I was not able to remember the exact location of this
bizarre island, and so my stories were accepted only as fiction fanciful
for children. But beware, I say, for this island holds many dangers both
real and perceived. The half-men creatures may be confined for now on
their island of mystery, but if they escape, my warning holds true: they
hold a grudge most foul towards us men. If they make their way to civilization,
all may be lost. You have been warned.
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