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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
My name is Frank Herschel. I was the number one heavy-weight super-villain (as ranked by the Federation Internationale des Mechants in Geneva) between 1971 and 1978, and known to the world as Captain Electro. During my time at the top I had the opportunity to give many speeches announcing imminent doom and destruction to those who dared defy me. If it wasn't for that do-gooder Manner Boy and his tailwagging sidekick the Faithful Pup I would have succeeded. Now that I've retired I am willing to give tips and tricks to help you take over the world. Radio broadcasts are no longer enough, nor is spontaneously appearing on everyone's TV, although making them turn on is a good trick. Your communications strategy must take note of the huge changes in global communications over the past few years. Your jamming and broadcast centres must now be able to hijack ISPs and other "new media" centres. Unfortunately, organizations like MSN have been under attack for years and now have extensive defenses. Are your technicians up to the task? It's an enormous endeavour to take over all the communications of the planet all at once. Hopefully you have invested in the technological infrastructure necessary to disrupt signals and set all cell phones ringing--with your voice on the other end of the line. Voice mail should not be forgotten either. On the odd chance that someone is in the bathroom at the crucial moment when you reveal yourself--finally--as their new master, you want them to hear your message as if they were there. Still, despite appearing to everyone, you'll still need a splashy gimmick for the evening news. May I suggest several large dirigibles with a huge screen hanging between them? It will not only show your message in a way to invite repeat broadcasts, but also demonstrate your technological superiority, thus forestalling any attempts at resistance. You should also be able to sell some airspace on the giant screen as advertising to recoup the costs. In your broadcast, don't forget to show your immense power. Show the heads of state writhing humiliated and shackled in their orange jump suits. Include live footage of your excesses--filling up the Grand Canyon, melting the ice off Baffin Island, or something just as grand. Now is a good time to let loose your patented "evil laughter", or demonstrate that nervous tick you've worked so hard to perfect. You'll need something to clearly identify yourself. Don't forget your uniform! Is it clean? Does it sparkle? Don't let the broadcast drag on, though. Remember people only have a limited attention span. Keep it to under 15 minutes. Your new slaves don't have time to waste on recreation. They're working for you now! A well done
introductory speech, with laughter, ticks and images of immense power
will help establish the tone of your new world order.
Captain Electro's Archive Of Evil
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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A
Step By Step Guide With Former Evil Genius Captain Electro
