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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
WALDO'S FACE-- Follicular Inc., world leaders in facial growth management, will be proceeding with Phase Two of its controversial clearcutting plan in the upcoming quarter. The Face, which had much of its resources trimmed down during Phase One last Fall, is expected to be entirely cleared by April of this year.
Environmental opponents are questioning the rationale of the plan, citing an unusually cold winter, and the probability of a very cool Spring, factors which could adversely affect the region. "The Face should be treated as a protected region", said one unnamed pundit. "Not some cheeky area be razed at a whim." Other economic interests are concerned about the maintenance required after the proposed clearcutting. Dr. Springer Sebaceous, of the Sebacon conservative think-tank, believes that unsightly stubble could result in quicker regrowth occurring before the clearcut has had time to establish itself as an alternative fixture. He also thinks that the cost of maintenance will be too high, explaining that they are already "just scraping by." Follicular Inc. has brushed-off these concerns as "unnecessary" and "unwarranted." Company spokesmen were unanimous in their backing of the plan, first proposed in summer last year when the face held six months of bearded growth in all regions, except the neck. "It is true that the old-growth provided warmth and was low-maintenance," said Lance Boyle, spokesman for Follicular. "However, change is the nature of the game. We can't stand back and live in the 90's. It's time to shave forward. I anticipate the clean, round look will result in gentle caresses by female hands by the summer." Trym Kneeter of the local hair advocacy group bristled at the prospect of a clean-shaven face. "The Face is designed with a narrow chin and jaw. These areas can only be properly terraformed with lustrous bearded growth. However, this would definitely be a long-term plan. Mr. Boyle is fooling himself if he thinks the face will benefit sexually from his proposed clearcutting. More likely the face would become barren and develop stress-induced acne." "This facial region has wonderful potential," Trym continued. "The red strands are an unusual colour and can grow quite long before curling back in. I'm hoping we can convince the Board of Directors to regrow the entire beard in time for Thanksgiving." Follicular
says it has no plans for Fall, although it has fond memories of the Goatee
Growth of 1999, and may consider a "reworking" of it at some
unspecified time in the future.
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