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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
It's true, people are the most important asset of any organization. This is especially true of a cult. How can you attract and retain the people you need to maintain the lifestyle God has Decreed for you? People skills can be broken down into two main groupings: attracting people, and then crushing their individuality to your will. You certainly don't want to recruit odd-balls and freaks. They give a bad image to your group, and more importantly, to you. The best bet seems to be attract "normal" people and then re-educate them to your Revelations, Beliefs and Received Heirarchy. Some clever marketing is in order here. Although it seems obvious to you that your Epiphany has placed you in a Privileged Position, and your Received Word has the Radiance of Utmost Authority to it, others have to be brought slowly to the same Realization. Remember, they didn't receive the Revelation--you did. As your recruiters comb the streets and alleys, the bars and pool halls, they should keep a cheery disposition. They, as the front-line Representatives of You, must be squeeky clean and project the Aura of Infinite Love your group is (or will be) known for. Make sure their clothes are clean, their teeth brushed and their hair neatly combed. A good idea is for them to have an unofficial uniform, like new T-shirts, jeans and black high-top runners. Casual looks better and is less intimidating to Potential Recruits than a stuffy suit or a smelly orange-dyed burlap sack. After several years of experimenting with my cult's recruiting team I found that white T-shirts work better than darker colours--people are naturally attracted to the Light. The opening line is the most important contact you can make. The Devil has instilled such a fear in everyone not to listen to the Truth that it must now be disguised. Although it is tempting to launch into an ernest Discussion of Truth with anyone who will turn their head remember you and your recruitment team are here to Recruit, not Preach. That comes later, after they have been Prepared. Try to involve the Potential Recruit with an activity that coincides with their own interests, like a "business meeting", or some sort of "activist planning session". If you have access to a hall or other meeting venue you could have some sort of film or "Bible Study". Once they're hooked you just have to reel them in with Love, sometimes cynically described by the Unbelievers as love-bombing. The recruit should be asked lots of questions and listened to with lots of smiles and nods. The key is to show you care, as you Truly Do. The Potential Recruit has a need, as we all do, for Love. If you provide that, allowing your Interior Light of Infinite Grace and Understanding to Illuminate their shallow lives, they will follow you willingly. Before they leave from this all-important First Meeting get some kind of Commitment from them, although it may not be phrased as such. Ask them to do some small chore for you, like photocopying a pamphlet--preferably one of yours. Illuminated by your Most Gracious and Ineffable One-ness with the All, and tied with a Commitment To Help, the Potential Recruit will be hooked to your cult and be easily pulled in for Cleansing. I hope this
brief introduction will help you become a Fisher of men and women.
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Starting
Your Own Cult, with Dr. Emeril Lazarus
