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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR RELIGIOUS HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
LAS VEGAS-- A golden statue of Apedemak, the lion god, in front of the new Ninevah Gates Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas has attracted more than the normal crowd of tourists and gamblers. Worshippers of the ancient Egyptian diety have been pouring in in droves to sacrifice lambs, oxen, and the occasional human babe in front of the gold-covered "idol".
"I normally wouldn't really care," said Louis Scarlatti, director of human relations of the hotel. "Everyone has a right to worship whomever they want. Me, I worship money, but gold isn't too bad. But I'd feel better if they came in and spent a little money at the tables. To me that seems the polite thing to do--even for fanatics." Scarlatti accuses the worshippers of loitering in front of the statue and crowding out potential customers. "At first I thought Marco, the publicity guy, had hired these guys," said Scarlatti. "Some of them would have stood out even in Hawaii, if you know what I mean. Talk about your garish robes and weird head-pieces. It looked like they belonged in the Luxor. But then they disemboweled a sheep right in front and hung its testicles around the statue's mane. Even Marco wouldn't go that far." The cleaning staff also has difficulty with the worship of the statue. "They burn their offerings in front of the damn thing," said Maria Costanita from housecleaning. "All that smoke and grease sticks to the metal and makes it hard to clean. My bosses want it shiny every day. That takes a lot of time. Also their grape leaves get clogged in the fountain's drain. I wish those worshippers would go somewhere else." The hotel hasn't noticed a loss of any appreciable business because of the religious misperceptions. "I don't know where the hell these fanatics keep coming from," said Fred Castagner, director of security for the casino. "Every week, they're here, 'purifying themselves' or putting food or other 'offerings' at the lion's feet. One of them told me its name. I can't remember what it was, it just seemed like nonsense to me. They think it's guarding the sunrise and sunset. I don't know where that comes from, it's just a statue, so I forced them all to ride out into the sunset." "I'm
no bible bookworm," added Castagner. "But didn't God mention
something about not worshipping gold hotel statues?"
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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