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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BACHELOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
First of all, is there no end to dust and dirt? I don't understand. First of all, I track my muddy boots through the hallways of my apartment building, and by the time I reach my own door, most, if not all, of the sediment has been evenly distributed along that route--there's nothing left to tread on my carpet, yet it still gets dirty. I had one of those useless mats at the entrance of my pad. But you know what? That thing gets dirty too. That means more work. My first piece of advice--chuck that useless mat. You're going to end up spending valuable coin washing it on its own, because it just screws up your other laundry (this is a valuable tip not covered in my previous laundry article). Now, the science of dirt eludes me. Mostly because it's science and I'm likely not paying attention. But, we've taken cautious steps to avoid excess foodstuffs on the carpets (as discussed in my article on dishwashing). Food is a serious threat to clean carpets, and spills are even worse. Since we're too lazy to want to vacuum (god I hate typing that word), we're not at all going to be pleased at stain-removing. Of course I can offer the simple solution of furniture rearrangement should a spill occur. Problem solved. But you know, I'm always looking for the shortcut; the angle that gives me the advantage over exertion and wasted motion. Several of my own ideas seem to work, to an extent, but I'm telling you right now, you will eventually have to vacuum. My favourite solution is brilliant in its simplicity: just leave your crap lying around on the floor. The more stuff you have on your carpets--clothes, boxes, magazines--these will all help to reduce the area necessary to be vacuumed. Dirty clothes eventually make their way into the hamper, after they've done their dust particle reducing duties. They're already dirty, so there's no difference in the laundry equation. The plastic runner underneath your computer desk adds minimal value, but it does reduce your vacuuming coverage by several square feet, so it can add up. Personally, I like to flip the runner over and use it in bizarre rituals of manhood--walking over it in my bare feet while holding two full Big Gulps, letting the little plastic spikes dig into the balls and soles of my feet. It's not relevant, but it may give you some insight to my psyche. Major units of furniture can also reduce your vacuuming time, but not always. Remember, there's all that area underneath the sofa(s) that is going to have to be tackled sooner or later, and you know that there is some serious filth under there. The solution for this--remove the legs on your sofa(s). Now there is no "underneath", and you've just added several minutes to your slackable day. Sure, you're still going to have to suck the popcorn out from beneath the cushions, but there may also be valuable treasure wedged in between, so it may be worth your time. What about bare floors you ask? Well, I have a small kitchen covered in linoleum, and the action required to clean it is best left for another article. The same goes for the bathroom floor. However, if your entire apartment is hardwood flooring or tile, you're likely screwed. I'm not sure I'm prepared to offer you sound advice there. You likely have an area rug, that'll need to be beaten. You may have scuffs from the heels of your boots. And you probably have dust balls, rolling about like the tumbleweeds in a spaghetti western. Sorry, I'm going to pass on that story; I'm not Mr. frickin' Clean. Finally, when it comes time to actually doing the vacuuming, I recommend attaching some headphones and listening to some appropriate music. Rob Zombie I find is highly effective tuneage for doing this chore; the angry and repetitive sounds will assist you in the completion of your dirt-sucking duties. I hope you
able to glean something from this wisdom gained in the trenches of the
War of Bachelorhood. It is only a small part in your fight, but you need
every piece of ammo that you can get. Stay single, soldier!
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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