Mistress Probable Cause Of Man's Impotence

Dear Ignatious: My husband doesn't seem to be interested in me lately. I've tried all sorts of things to "rekindle" the romance, but he just doesn't seem to be able to keep an erection for long. What should I do?

—Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

It is obvious to me reading your troubled memoir that your husband is consorting with a mistress who has been tempted and won over to the administration of evil by the Great Satan. Feeling jealous of your vaunted position with him, and since you are the only one who can legally and morally bear children, the object of the venereal act, she is inflicting various vengeances upon him. Indeed she may be poisoning your mind as well, but more on that later.

Unfortunately, the defects held by many mistresses are inordinate affections and passions for the things of the flesh. They are sought and brooded over and witchcraft is all too often employed to further their nefarious ends, inflamed as they are to no end of boldness by the sinful spirit of pride.

God allows the devil greater power against men's venereal acts than against any other action. Since those adulteresses and fornicatresses who are most disposed to such acts are chiefly apt to be witches, it follows that the lack of your husband's ability to perform with you, as I assume you to be devout and good at heart, is the result of the evil ministrations of some person who has fallen into Satan's sway.

Such hatred is aroused in those who practice witchcraft between those joined in the sacrament of matrimony, that they bring all their forces and skills to bear on the sundering and disruption of this noble endeavour.

Now there are, as it is said in a recent Papal Bull, seven methods by which these ambitious women infect the venereal act and the conception of the womb with witchcraft: First, by inclining the minds of men to inordinate passion; second, by obstructing their generative force; third, by removing the members accomodated to that act; fourth, by changing men into beasts by their magic art; fifth, by destroying the generative force in women; sixth, by procuring abortion; seventh, by offering children to devils, with other animals and fruits of the earth with which they work much harm.

Obviously your husband is a victim of the freezing up of the generative forces, so that he is unable to perform the necessary action for begetting offspring.

There is no cure for this until the witch is found and dealt with. Implore your husband to consider his soul, the eternity that awaits him, and for him to also consider your right to bear many children, the fruit of his loins, and whether that is not preferable to his wasting away in Hell tortured until the end of days by fierce demons and other unspeakable horrors.

Once he has relented and given you the names of all the females he has had contact with--do not be content with one or two names, as his mind may well have been influenced and warped by the forces of evil--bring them to me, as a representative of the Inquisition and I will question all those concerned to ascertain the Truth, what has actually transpired, who is guilty, who will be punished and how.

It is also vitally important that we have a long discussion with you as well, to determine the soundness of your mind and the state of your spiritual health. Please bring a list of all your recent contacts in case the contagion has spread. Together we will stop these evil machinations of the devil.

I will be at the Bagel Hut on 14th Avenue in Austin, Texas next week from 10am until 2pm, Tuesday through Friday. I invite everyone to drop by with questions about witchcraft or heresies, or just to say hi. I'll treat the first 3 people who can successfully answer a skill-testing question about St. Thomas Aquinas to a coffee and bagel of their choice.

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