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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
Attracting people to your cult is only part of the game. You have to be able to keep them too. Everything depends on being able maintain their enthusiasm for you, your vision, and your way of life. Why would your followers quit after being convinced of the Truth that you so rationally and easily demonstrated to them? Shockingly, the answer all too often seems to be that the organization did not provide enough love and support for these "drop-outs." There are a few simple techniques you can use to help cement your new followers to your New Way. Remember, the Vision you have Received will be radically different from the dull, sub-lunary lives your charges are used to. Radical changes in lifestyle are often needed to help them be "reborn" into the new Soldiers of Happiness. The first thing is for them to live with you in your compound. You are all one Family now. Your Special Mission demands Pure Living, and that can only happen if everyone is in close proximity to you, the Purifier. When I first started my cult I often insisted on everyone sleeping in the same room. It encouraged a warm fuzzy "pajama party" atmosphere, and reduced individual isolationist tendencies. Part of the Purification and Cleansing process has to be changing diet and sleep patterns. By restricting the diet and sleep of your members their old, satan-induced thought processes will be disrupted and Your Love will be able to Flow more freely. In addition, consider a vegetarian diet to feed your people at less cost. Since you and your cult are now their Family, members don't need to see their former family. Ex-spouses, parents and sometimes even children are sometimes not very understanding of members who have seen the Truth, and may try to convince them they have made a mistake. It can take a very strong mind, and much re-education, for a member to see how Lucifer has influenced even those close to him or her, and they may be inclined to believe those they used to be close to. I would refuse categorically to allow members to attend family events such as marriages, sick relatives, graduations, and what-not. A simple aid to keeping
your members enthusiastic is to make sure everyone speaks the same language.
The vision you Received from On High was no doubt ineffable and can not
be reduced to mere words. However you have to try, and making a new vocabulary
with complex jargon and obscure words can cement everyone together with
your Shared Understanding of Enlightenment. Have everyone sit in your Meeting Hall and invite a member up to the front with you. Ask him or her to tell their shortcomings of the past week. By confessing they will purify themselves. The member will be hesitant to look like a fool and so will find a few doubts or base thoughts they had. They may have doubted your Teachings for a few moments, or perhaps they were sexually attracted to someone. The trick is to meet each confession with both Praise and Love for coming clean, and also with disapproval for allowing Satan to still Sit in their Soul. Properly done, and with a bit of practice, your members will spontaneously begin to cry and weep as they realize the sheer magnitude of their hideous sins and how much they still have to Travel to improve themselves. Besides binding
members together and to you, this little exercise gives an excellent opportunity
for you to launch into a sermon exhorting your group to better themselves,
with your help.
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Starting
Your Own Cult, with Dr. Emeril Lazarus
