 |
 | |||
|
|
| |||
|
|
 |
 |
|||||||||||||||
| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
KEENE, NEW HAMPSHIRE-- Keene High School has a new weapon in the war against disorder and chaos in the hallways. Geoffrey Tuddle, the hall monitor, now has a helper--a trained flying squirrel named "Rocky."
The school obtained Rocky from Trainex, an animal training company that normally provides police departments with attack dogs. "It's an experiment," said Richard Strong, school principal. "A parent on the board had a connection with this company. From what I understand it was originally trained as a back-up for cocaine-sniffing anteaters but they just flew too high. They were being phased out and we were able to get one at cost. We'll see how it works out." Geoffrey Tuddle is pleased with the squirrel. "I know what you're thinking *snort*," said Geoffrey. "But, no he doesn't go straight for the nuts, *snark*." Rocky is an exception to the "no pets at school" rule, as the 2-year-old flying squirrel is highly-trained and well-behaved. The spirited rodent soars through the air and identifies truant students by urinating on them. It only took a week for students to learn they couldn't mess with Rocky. "Truancy and tardiness is down 60% over last year," exclaimed Strong. If you're late for class, Rocky will make sure that you have that hall-pass. He'll snatch it out of a student's hand faster than you can say Secret Squirrel, and verify its authenticity by the special scratch-and-sniff aroma bar placed across the top. "Rocky has sure made hall monitoring easier," said Geoffrey. "I was pretty good before Rocky, but now I'm unstoppable. You know, people think this job is just for geeks, but there's a lot to know. The creak of a washroom door, the subtle change in air pressure when someone opens the outside door next to Mrs. Williams' geography class, or even the reflections off of the school trophy case near the west wing, all are subtle clues that something is going down. And now, with Rocky's keen sense of hearing we can even pinpoint a locker opening from almost anywhere on the second floor." The added fear of rabies also keeps the students in line. Rocky enjoys almonds as a reward for work well-done. Geoffrey will also occasionally feed Rocky a chunk of a Milk-Bone dog biscuit as a special treat. "But only in special cases," added Geoffrey. The other students avoid Geoffrey and his acrobatic hall detective. Mostly because they now fear Geoffrey as some sort of Animal Kingdom geek. "He just used to be someone you could ignore," said Tammy Winters, a grade 10 student. "But now with that stupid rat-thing everyone goes out of their way to stay away from him." "I wouldn't
mind the squirrel so much," said another student, "but what's
with that identification badge Geoff is wearing? What happened to the
gay sash he had last year?"
|
||||||||||||||||
 |
|
|||||||||||||||
| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
| Tell us what you thought. Visit our Message Boards. | HOME | DISCLAIMER | ABOUT US | Copyright 2005-2001 The Toque Entertainment. |
