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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR JEDI HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
TATOOINE-- When Orn-Pan Quay decided to take on an apprentice, he didn't realize just how much responsibility it would require. Orn-Pan, a Jedi Knight of over twenty years, is only just now realizing that training a student in the ways of the Jedi is a full-time job.
"When the Council asked me if I could commit myself to teaching and instructing an apprentice in the ways of the Force, I was honoured," remembers Orn-Pan. "I had spent several years fighting clones and other forces of evil throughout the galaxy, and I thought the change would do me good. Besides, being a Jedi meant giving up my dreams of having my own family and parts supply store. Having an apprentice seemed like the closest thing I'd get to fulfilling that dream." "After the battles of Othar and Muttela I figured training another Jedi would be a piece of Bothan spongecake," continued Orn-Pan. "Man, was I wrong. When you're in a battle it's usually over in a par-sec. When you're fighting, you're one with the Force and you forget the passage of time. It becomes meaningless. Now, with young Keef, the day just drags on and on. I'm exhausted by the time he finally goes to bed." The Jedi apprentice is young Keef Ob Jay, an orphan who lost his parents when the Empire destroyed their falumpaset ranch. Orn-Pan believes not having an adequate support system is part of the problem of being both mentor and guardian. "It can be tough, trying to train an apprentice on your own," said Orn-Pan. "I'm responsible for absolutely everything, from making sure he has enough to eat to washing his clothes. I just wish I didn't put Keef's tunic it in wish those red leg-warmers--now the frickin' thing is pink. Now I'll have to give it to [Luke] Skywalker's kid." Being a jedi knight/father can be trying sometimes. "Fortunately, using a few simple mind tricks, I can still get Keef to eat his Bothan spice vegetables. At least for now." It's the psychological effects of growing up that Orn-Pay has the hardest time with. "The mental and physical training is the easiest part," said Orn-Pay. "Now that young Keef is twelve his mind is starting to stray to unwholesome thoughts. He's not as focused as he once was. I caught him a little while ago with a pornographic holoscreen--this spaceport is filled with pornography--and I have to admit I was filled with hesitation as to what to do. I felt as if I was abandoned by the Force. I would have punished him, but I didn't want that whole dark side thing starting up. I'll keep that holoscreen under my cot until he's old enough to really appreciate it." Orn-Pan has had to adjust to having a young man in the home, and there have been at least a couple of awkward incidents. "Yah, it was just difficult trying to explain the time Keef caught me in bed with two Rodian females--those alien vixens. I had to talk to him the next day about the motts and the nunas. I tried to explain that I was only trying to learn about Rodian spine yoga, but I don't think he believed me. I guess we're both learning." "For the most part though, young Keef is eager to learn, and quickly he does, as long as he sets his mind to it," continued Orn-Pay. "I think he sometimes misses out on being a regular kid. You know, shooting wamp rats, lighting afire bags of Tauntaun dung on the front porches of habitable dwellings, or stealing pod parts." "The
galaxy is full of sex-starved princesses waiting to get mindf*cked by
lightsabre-wielding dudes in bathrobes," confessed Orn-Pan. "I
can already see it young Keef's eyes that his destiny will be out there."
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