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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
HONOLULU, HAWAII-- The Mauna Loa Rain Forest Amusement Park is a terrific place for tourists. However, it serves as a poor destination for distraught teenagers intent on suicide.
Young people trying to "end it all", or looking for a way out of this vale of tears end up frustrated by the lack of anything dangerous or life-threatening. The Hawaiian attraction has been entertaining visitors for several years, but not a single teenage life has been lost during that time. "The Wakalua Falls and water bumper cars are a great attraction at our theme park, but to intentionally try and drown yourself in the water? It's much too shallow and cheerful," said Stanley Worcester, operations manager. "I know you can drown in a bathtub, but what if you were surrounded by plastic pink flamingos and happy music? I don't think so." The Coconut Choo-Choo, seemingly another possible means of death, winds almost three miles through the park. It is an excellent means of transportation, but as a way to get killed it's not so good. "The train only goes five miles-per-hour (8 km/h) and has the torque of a two-year-old," said Stanley. "An angry eight-year-old once stopped it and pushed it backwards ten feet because his mother wouldn't buy him another ride. It's more likely that someone would get bruised kidneys than have a fatal crash. We had to stop the train once to clear a bag of macadamia nuts, at the risk of derailment." Tom Dresden, 18, was one unhappy young person who came to the Mauna Loa Rain Forest Amusement Park to commit suicide. "I was so distraught after I caught my best friend in bed with my girlfriend I came here. Tina and I had our first, or was it second, date here and I thought killing myself where we once had so much fun would be a good way to show how much it hurt me. I was sure there'd be something dangerous. I thought of jumping off of the top of the ferris wheel, but the frickin' thing only goes 25 ft in the air. I'd end up breaking a leg and that's it. That ain't going to show nothing. I ended up feeding compressed alfalfa pellets to the rabbits in the Petting Zoo and somehow that made me feel better. I think I'll dedicate my life to saving abandoned pets." "This place is way too lame to be depressed at," admitted Ashley Creighton, 16. "The bright colours and singing birds make it seem like some sort of Polynesian paradise. I can barely keep my suicidal urges motivated." Ashley tried jumping from the Wakalua Falls, but the warm water only refreshed and revitalized her. Jumping in front of the Lao-Lao Mini-Roller Coaster, wasn't succesful either, as it stopped before touching her, and several patrons on the ride then offered her cotton candy and popcorn. Most teens give up after two or three tries. Stanley remembers one youth who kept trying to goad the three-toed sloth into attacking him by throwing peanuts at it. "I finally had to tell him that it would take four months before the sloth would even reach him, and by then it would have forgotten why it was there," he said. "It was one of the hardest things I've had to do. He looked so crest-fallen I broke down and bought him an ice-cream." "I suppose
if someone really wanted to kill themselves at our park, they could eat
a lot of sesame seeds or peanuts from one of our concession stands,"
admitted Stanley. "But even then I think you'd have to have one of
those deadly allergies to the peanuts or the seeds."
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