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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
What should you look for in taking on an assistant? What traits do you want, and what qualitites do you want to avoid? Hello, my name is Frank Herschel. Between 1971 and 1978 several independent ranking systems listed me as "Top Evil Villain," known to the trembling world as Captain Electro. During my time at the top I've had to occassionally ask for help, or force it out of unwilling accomplices. I would still be there now if it wasn't for that accident with the Particle Transmission Device. Now that I've retired I am willing to give you a few personnel tips and tricks to help you fulfil your destiny: Taking Over The World! You'll need a partner when you have a disadvantage or, dare I say, weakness in some area. Having an expert in that field will bolster your power to the benefit of both of you. The Crystalline Bismuth Twins are a good example. Jervis knew mechanics and Tervis knew munitions. If they had had a third twin who understood the value of logistics nothing could have stopped them on their drive to the diamond mines of Siberia! No matter how well-rounded you are as a Force of Evil you will have a weak spot that some wimpy do-gooder is going to try to exploit. Contracting out someone to build that super-virus or the Ultimate Bomb of Destruction is harder than you think. Filling in the seams with good help that is as dedicated to evil as you are is the way to solve that. It's all about teamwork. However, every team needs a captain, and don't forget that here that means you. There are a lot of egos out there, and a partnership can quickly turn sour, jeopardizing any plans in process and making you look like a fool. You don't want that. It's essential you keep your assistant just that--your lackey and slave. Do not confide your evil plans with him or her, unless you are about to stab them in the back. Then, just before you do them in you can feel free to let them know all your plans, especially how you planned their demise from the start. How dastardly! Make sure your assistant understands their inferiority to you through psychological tricks, like slapping them everytime they say something dumb. Call them insulting names at every opportunity and humiliate them by making them eat off the floor. My favourite, even after all these years, is forcing them live in a a small cage. Your assistant should always address you as "sir" or "master" and cower and bow before and after speaking. Prod him with a taser rod or a specially modified sceptre if he starts to forget his place. Just be careful not to lobotomize your new lackey. It's the idiot assistant that always foils the master-plan. Just like it happened with Dr. Gelatin's assistant when he spilled the radioactive plasma on the detonation button before the evil plan could unfold. Whoops! Hiring good
help is essential for your evil schemes. Make sure your help stays only
help and they won't become a threat.
Captain Electro's Archive Of Evil
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A
Step By Step Guide With Former Evil Genius Captain Electro
