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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR SUGAR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
DETROIT-- The city of Detroit, having gone far too long without an effective mandate against controlled substances, has targeted elementary schools in its new war against sugar, the sweet crystalline substance. The primary school system is often the source of serious sugar problems, and the city is adopting a new no-nonsense approach to fight this serious public issue.
The city plans to start a local media campaign to motivate Detroit's youth to reject sugar, and institute a comprehensive strategy that will eventually see sugar removed from schoolyards completely. City spokesperson Candy Bachynski hastened to add that although sugar dependencies are can develop in school, the problems often begin at home, where children learn about sugar from their parents. "Children are very susceptible," said Candy, who has been sugar-free for eighteen months. "They see their parents sucking on a Certs™, or popping a Tic Tac™, and the kids see this as acceptable. We're trying to change that perception, but it's hard when mom or dad deny their own sugary addiction." There is a high likelihood that children of parents who consume sugar, will consume it themselves. In its first week of the sugar crackdown, officials were able to seize several hundred pounds of coloured sugared powders, pops, bars, pills, chews, and other as-yet-unidentified chemicals and possible performance enhancing substances. The sugar "products" had all sorts of different names, and were packaged for maximum sugar delivery. School teachers think that sugar education is important, but sugar prevention, treatment, and enforcement will be necessary to dissolve the sugar problem. "We're fighting a war not only against sugar, but against the sugar manufacturers--'Big Sugar'," said Dorothy Keitel, a Grade 3 teacher. "The sugar companies make sugar so appealing, with their corporate advertising, flashy packaging, and easy-to-consume products. Why just the other day I saw two children on the playground with Pixie Stix™, practically inhaling the stuff to get their sugar fix." Candy agrees that products such as Sweet-tarts, Bottle-caps, Goobers, Whoppers, Pop Rocks, and others pose the largest threat to children in the school system. "These products are basically sugar in its purest form," said Candy. "Other products are entirely refined sugar, such a Lik-A-Stix™, and they come with their own sugar paraphernalia to facilitate consumption. The problem can become more serious, because before you know it, the kids are onto hard candy, and there's no telling if they can ever stop." The city's program will extend beyond the school system, and a national lobby is trying to get the FDA to put warnings on all sugar products stating the risks of sugar consumption. The dangers of sugar are everywhere. Many pregnant mothers will ignore warnings and have sugar during their pregnancy. The resulting "sugar-babies" are often overweight, and develop other symptoms. They will often develop a sweet-tooth at an early age. Anti-sugarists
are planning rallies this Easter to bring awareness of sugar, and are
encouraging people to purchase sugar-free chocolates, such as carab-based
treats, or alternatives like carrot sticks and other fresh vegetables.
If it's good for bunny it's good for you.
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