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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR QUAKE GAMING HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
MOM'S BASEMENT-- Scotty Morrison is a teenager, who, not unlike other young men his age, enjoys spending his free time playing PC computer games. In particular, Scotty plays Quake II, a popular three-dimensional action game known as a "first-person shooter", usually for hours upon hours at a time. By the time Scotty has finished playing a gaming session, consisting of several different game levels called "maps", he admits he cannot distinguish the game from reality.
Scotty's situation is not altogether unique. There have been many complaints from parents who believe their children spend too much time in front of their computers, instead of in front of their television sets. "I'm not sure how to react to my my son's situation," admitted Joan Morrison, Scotty's mother. "Sure, the computer games keep him off of the streets and out of trouble, but I get a little worried when he'll only eat food when it's served in a medic's hand bag." At school, Scotty gets along with approximately half of the students, and distrusts anyone not wearing his "colours." Other students will look at him strangely, because he walks in an unusual manner, "strafing" from side to side in hallways, and peeking around corners. He can often be heard muttering the word "owned" between classes. "I'm a little worried about Scotty," said Steve Lovitt, Scotty's best friend and next door neighbour. "I don't think he'd Columbine on anyone; he doesn't hate anybody, and he's not into any other military stuff. He just gets way too into Quake. I think his brain forgets to switch the game off when he's finished playing. It wouldn't be as bad if he wasn't always pointing out potential 'camping' spots." Scotty spends an estimated 40-50 hours a week playing Quake, Half-Life, Unreal Tournament, Counter-Strike, and others. All of these are the same type of violent action game that requires you to kill your opponent(s) to succeed. "I'm sure it's just a phase," said Scotty's father, Phil Morrison. "Sure, he spends much more time on his computer than he does playing sports, interacting with other kids, or preparing himself for college. But at least he's not doing the crack cocaine like his grandmother." Scotty himself is oblivious to the concerns of friends and family. When he is being confronted, he will just mute them out by putting on his headphones, and cranking up his Nine Inch Nails compact disc. "That kid is a freak," said Shelly Marsden, girl-next-door, talking about Scotty. "He runs to school and thinks that jumping and running will make him go faster. When he gets to school, he stands beside the flagpole until the bell rings. What a geek." Desensitized from playing endless games of Capture The Flag and Rocket Arena, Scotty is unable to recognize the difference between television violence and gaming violence, and is not be sure if either one is bad. Scotty may even believe that he will "respawn" when he dies, coming back in a predestined location. "I used
to play Quake with/against Scotty a lot," said one-time
Quake-buddy Darren Phelps. "That was before he tried shooting my
feet with an imaginary weapon, trying to bounce me into the ditch. I think
he needs a gauntleted smack to the head."
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| This fictional story about Quake and gaming is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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