CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE

Text Ads and Text Links on The Toque Text Security Cameras Humor TopSites Biting Satire Funniest Jokes Super Duper Pages Directory Online Golf Dating Women Bowling Diet Weight Loss Apartments For Rent Home Equity Loan Fucked Up Link Dump Electric Bikes Learn English Free MP3s Funny Pets Home Garden Centers Canada Travel Funny Signs Good Canadian Website Free Emoticon Smiley Generator Really Bad Hair Womens Health Poker Gaming Sites I Have To Confess Cel Phones Refreshing News Rewarding Loans Car Insurance Lying Scumbag Pet Names Free Website Games Myspace Layouts Wacky Videos Puzzles And Stuff Text Link Advertising Modest Houses Language School Start Your Own Cult Evil Guide Grouchy Joe Proud American Bachelor Tips Domain Under Construction The Lord Above Virtual Web Log Nude Pictures Of Jessica Simpson Geek Jokes, Computer Jokes Funny Baby Pictures Adult Jokes Funny, Strange, Bizarre New Stories & Pictures! Daily Humor, Satire, And Funny Stories Advertise Text Links on The Toque

Troll Hunters Pleased With New Law

NORTHERN CANADA-- Troll hunters may soon be cheering, as the Canadian government intends to pass a bill removing trolls from the endangered species list, and making them legal to hunt once again.

This Northern Canadian Spotted Troll eyes the photographer with suspicion, ready to attack if he moves any closer.

Trolls have been protected by the Endangered Magical Creatures Act, passed in 1958, when only an estimated 300 breeding pairs of Northern Spotted Trolls were still living in the wild. Since then, an active captive breeding program and strict anti-hunting legislation have allowed several sub-species of trolls to rebound.

Now with numbers in the thousands, altercations with humans are becoming more common. Also, the expansion of human habitation threatens traditional troll territories, and confrontations are inevitable.

"Everyone wants to see trolls thrive in the wild," said Ed Thunter, a senior officer of the Wildlife Management Branch of the Federal Ministry of Peculiar Animals, "but no one wants them rummaging in their backyards, bashing in their garbage bins with crude stone tools."

"Unfortunately, once a troll smells human blood they usually camp out nearby and then people start getting killed and eaten. Nature is funny that way."

Ed Thunter should know. His job includes shooting troublesome trolls with a tranquilizer rifle and relocating the creatures to the barren wastes, far from humans, and hopefully far from trouble.

"There are several sub-species of troll that trouble people along the Rockies," said Ed. "There are the common cave trolls who prefer to inhabit holes dug into the rock and then venture out to hunt, and then there are the rare bridge trolls. In the wild they live in streams under rotting logs, but they can easily adapt to living under bridges or even in culverts. They will stay hidden coming out to grab prey that walks right over their heads. Those ones are really dangerous."

"They seem particularly attracted to fat German tourists," said Ed, shaking his head, "although they also seem to like environmentalists. I think it may be the teal and purple fleece and Goretex. In those cases we don't mind having their numbers thinned...the environmentalists I mean."

The proposed bill will initially open a hunting season of three months in the Fall, and will be run by lottery.

"It seems some days like there are a lot of these creatures out here," said Ed, "but their recovery is still quite fragile. I'm worried that a legal hunt on them will open the floodgates of poaching. There are a lot of people in rural areas who just see trolls as a nuisance."

Despite the hunting ban for the past 44 years, there has always been a market for trolls shot by poachers.

Troll organs are valuable to some traditional mainland Chinese, who will pay vast sums on the black market for the bladder and other bits of offal. The bladder is believed to aid in the production of sperm and improve virility. Others say that it make your feces turn to stone.

"When I was a young man, living just outside of Jasper, we would shoot trolls for sport," said one ex-poacher, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "Their hides weren't worth much, and they were pretty slow and easy to shoot--as long as you could spot them. Sometimes you could come up to a group of them arguing on the best way to cook Eskimos. Once we realized there was money to be made on selling their guts and stuff, I used to supplement my part-time paving job with knocking off a few trolls."

"You had to be careful though," he continued, "I lost my brother when his shotgun misfired, and an angry troll crushed his skull with an oak branch."

Both hunters and wildlife management personnel agree that the way to find trolls is to look for where they live.

"You look for their signs of habitation," said Ed. "Things like heavy iron cooking pots, wooden cages, and piles of human bones. They especially like gnawing on the femurs, so if I see a few of them broken up and scattered around the fire pit I know I've found a nest."

The aboriginal peoples call the trolls I'naq'wa, "giant rats with clubs."

Archived Stories - Bizarre